“Oh Landon,” she cries out.
Her body goes limp in my arms as I continue to drive into her. It starts out low in my stomach building rapidly and then it hits like a freight train.
“Damn,” I grind out still pumping in and out of her slowly as my release hits.
I rest my head on her shoulder and it’s then that I realize she’s crying. Shit. Was I too rough? Did I hurt her?
No, that’s all I’ve ever done is hurt her. This is more. This is her knowing there’s no chance for us. Not when I can’t give myself to her in the ways she needs.
I lift her chin and a tear slips down her cheek. Her next words break that last piece that was holding me together. “You stole my heartbeat.”
I blink, pulling away from her, and the words come out before I can stop them. “I can’t steal something you give to me over and over again to destroy.”
She says nothing because she knows it’s the truth but yet she doesn’t give a shit. She’d rather hold on to what we had and not what else is out there in the world, outside of this bubble she put us in.
A short time later Macy grabs her clothes and starts to get dressed. “Where are you going?”
She looks at me like I’m stupid and maybe I am. “I’m leaving. I can’t do this with you anymore.”
I laugh bitterly. “Are you running off to Cash now?”
Macy stops and turns to me. Anger rolling off of her as she yells, “What the fuck is your problem?” She pushes me back and I fall on the bed. “Why do you always think that? Have I ever given you a reason to believe something is going on between Cash and me?”
I look away because she hasn’t. I’m just jealous that she still has a friendship with Cash.
“Answer me, Landon?” Macy pulls her shirt over her head and grabs her purse off the floor. “You can’t answer me, can you, Landon? You can’t because you and I both know that I haven’t.”
She pulls the door open and storms out.
Finally, she’s pissed and I hope this time she stays away.
October 10, 2013
“Landon, I’m worried about you. Your grades are slipping.” Professor Robinson says when she looks down at the piece of paper in her hand. It’s yet another test I failed. I shouldn’t have but I did. It’s not like I didn’t try studying but Madison had other ideas about halfway through and I got side-tracked with getting high with her. Forgetting about what was important.
I nod my understanding.
“I think you need to get a tutor if you plan on passing this class and keeping that scholarship of yours.” Mrs. Robinson gives me a pitiful smile and I hate her for it. She knows about my past. How I’m not exactly sure but she knows. She’d mentioned it one time when she called me down for failing the first assignment.
“Yes, ma’am.” I say reaching for my test that she’s handing me.
I run up the steps two at a time so I can make it to my next class on time. Just another thing I need to worry about on top of all the other shit I’ve got going on. And the fucked up thing about it is I can’t even call Macy to help me. I haven’t spoken to her once since that night she told me I stole her heartbeat. I guess in a way she’s right because when I do catch a glimpse of her around she looks fucking horrible. I did that. I caused her to look like death. She has dark circles around her eyes; she keeps her head down unless she’s with Cash. And I can tell she’s not eating, not many would notice it but I do.
After my last class I head to practice. I’m late, like normal these days. I change out of my clothes and step into my shorts. When I turn, Coach Lander is leaning against the lockers with his arms folded holding his clipboard.
“Landon.” He greets me. It’s cold and I know shit’s about to get real.
“Coach.”
He takes a deep breath and takes a step forward. “Son, I’m know you’re on something.” I don’t acknowledge the truth he just spoke. “Get off, Landon. You’re fucking your life up.”
I hang my head in shame because he’s right. “Yes, sir.”
Today, I just need to get through today and then I’ll lay off so I can pass the drug test I know is coming up. Just one more day is all I need.
October 12, 2013
We have a game in Seattle against the Washington Huskies. Colton, Jet and I are eating breakfast. I don’t feel like eating much but I know I have to in order to keep up with the game. Colton sits down with a plate filled with eggs, bacon, ham, and hash browns. Jet sits next to him with eggs, bacon, sausage, and hash browns and a big glass of water. I only took as much as I knew I’d be able to eat which is only some eggs and toast. I’ve been drinking water since I woke up and it’s filling me up.