Jack nods his head towards the house, “In there with your girl.”
My face instantly goes red with rage. I can feel it all the way to my bones. Those couple of hits don’t even faze me. Not now. He isn’t talking about Macy though. He’s talking about Madison. No one can ever tell them apart and there isn’t any way he could know that since he’s been out here the whole time I’ve been with Macy in the house.
I set out to find out what the fuck Madison is doing with Jay at a party of all places. I’ve told her to stay the fuck away from him so many fucking times I feel like a broken fucking record. I push the back door open and look to the spot where I left Macy. She’s gone. I feel bad that I just left her but I needed to cool off.
I catch Madison out of the corner of my eye and I stalk straight towards her. She’s walking down a hallway with Jay tugging her along. When I reach her, I grab her elbow and give a little tug.
“What the fuck?” Madison says whipping her head around.
Jay reaches towards his back but stops when he sees that it’s me. He was probably ready to pull his gun out.
Madison places a hand on his chest, “Go ahead in the room. I’ll be right there.” She tells Jay.
Jay doesn’t say a word but stares me down before walking into the room.
I don’t let go of Madison’s arm, “I thought I told you to stay the fuck away from him, Madison. He’s bad fucking news and he’s going to fucking ruin you.”
She wrenches her arm back, “You need to mind your own business.”
I lean back against the wall, “You’re making a huge mistake. Leave with me.”
Madison looks conflicted for just a second like she wants to come with me but the corner of her lip raises. She steps past me and into the room with Jay without another word.
I bang the back of my head against the wall. “Fuck!” I yell. She shouldn’t be in there. I shouldn’t have let her go. I know what’s happening behind those doors. He’s gonna get her high, and then have his way with her then leave her there naked and exposed for anyone else who wants their chance with her. She’s gonna let him too because that’s what Madison does. It makes my stomach turn and I bet if Cash really knew, it would completely break him to know what she does and what guys do to his girl. If I were Cash, I wouldn’t be okay with this. There is no excuse, none. Even if the tables were turned and it was Macy, I wouldn’t let her self-destruct.
I bang my head again before storming out of the party and back to my empty room with my full bottle of whiskey.
When I arrive back at my dorm I slam the door shut and lock it, locking the world out. I can’t fucking take anything else. Trudging over to my bed, I sit down and run my hands through my hair. I can’t get the mental images of Madison and Jay together. It’s fucked up. She’s fucked up. He’s fucked up. I’m fucked up.
Why can’t she just see how bad he is?
I pull open my desk drawer and pull out the bottle of whiskey I have hidden in there. Something drops to the floor but I don’t care right now. I need that burn. I need the numbness. Unscrewing the top, I take a pull directly from the bottle.
I put the bottle on the floor and reach behind me to pull my shirt off. It’s cool in here, the cinder block walls not offering much warmth but the whiskey does the trick. I toss my shirt on the floor and pick up the picture that fell out.
It’s Macy and I in Cannon Beach lying in the hammock where we spent most of our time when we were there. Just the two of us together. Macy’s face is slightly pink from spending the days playing around in the water. She has a hand placed on my cheek staring intently into my eyes.
I swallow hard trying to breathe in deep, easing the pain but nothing helps. My eyes burn like a motherfucker and I rub at them with the back of my hand.
“Fuck.” I reach down and take another swig, it does nothing but burn so I keep it up until the burn is suppressed and I feel numb.
I hold the picture so hard in my hand it starts to shake. Where did that girl go, the one who could never wipe the smile off her face? The one with the dreams bigger than life itself? The one with the master plan? That’s right. I fucked that all up. I killed our best friend. I ruined her dreams, wiped the smile off her face in a single night. I’ve ruined my dreams and the dreams of our friends. The fucked up thing is I continue to do it. I tried to stop. I laugh at myself. Who the fuck am I kidding. I didn’t try to stop, I don’t even want to. It’s the only way for me.
I have to get high and drunk to cope with this shell of a life I’ve created to keep the fucking voices and sounds quiet. It’s my survival. Macy doesn’t need or deserve that. She’s got too much going for her.