"You need to watch what you're saying to me babe. I'm adding up all you're punishments."
I look at her and her jaw's hanging open and I smile on the inside. I haven't talked to her in a sexual way since the attack.
"I really thought you'd try to be gentle with me and not be you when we could go back to having sex. I was worried that you wouldn't want me that way again. I was trying to be positive but you haven't said one sexual thing to me at all. You haven't threatened me with punishment even when I was trying to get a rise out of you." She says to me with a small voice.
"I knew what you were doing babe and I was counting them up. You never have to worry about me not wanting you. We may have to take it easier than we did before but that would be for our baby's sake. That doesn't mean that I can't spank your ass." I say to her
She smiles at me through her tears and I have to pull off to the side of the road. I push my seat as far back as it'll go and take off my seat belt.
"Come to me baby."
She climbs into my lap and I kiss her face and hug her to me.
"You should've said something sooner babe. I should've been paying attention more. If I had realized that you needed me to talk to you in my dominate way I would have. I was trying to give you time to heal. I wanted to let you know that you're loved and cared for with the sexual dynamic taken off the table. Baby you're my everything. I think I'll punish you for thinking I don't want you."
"I should've talked to you about my feelings on the matter. I'll talk to you from now on honey." She says to me with a giggle and tears still running down her face.
I kiss her one more time and I tell her to get back in her seat so we can get to the doctor.
Dr. Young tells us that my woman has healed completely. We can resume our sexual relationship. She then tells us that the technician will be rolling the Ultrasound Machine in here in just a minute. My woman pulls her shirt up under her bra and lowers her pants to her pelvic bone. The paper sheet's tucked in her pants so that gel won't get on them. The technician comes in and sets everything up and squirts the warm gel on my woman and then uses the probe to take pictures and measurements of our baby. She lets us see the heart beat and we can hear it in the room. It's like we're right there in the womb with it. She stops taking measurements and asks if we want to now the sex and we both say "yes" at the same time. The technician laughs and starts to move the probe around and takes more pictures.
We get home with our new pictures and we've been discussing names. Lyric wants to stay with the letter J and I don't agree. So we've decided that we're going to write down our top ten and come back to the table at a later date and come to an agreement. I tell my woman that I'm going to go pick up this twins and she should lay down and rest. I know the girls have stuff planned for her tomorrow. I want her to rest up tonight.
"Should we tell everyone at the party tomorrow what we're having?" She asks me.
I tell her that's a great idea. She smiles at me and I kiss her and turn the alarm on as I walk out the door. I call Zeus and let him know she's alone in the house. He tells me he'll head over and keep her company. Lyric's gotten better about being left alone but only for short periods of time. I understand and she knows somebody will be showing up in the next few minutes to stay with her until I get back with the twins.
"When we get home you both need to eat your snacks and do your homework. When you two go to change your clothes I also need you to pack a bag for the weekend. You only need to grab play clothes for one day. You two are going to be spending the night with your papaw and mamaw." I say to them when I pick them up from school.
They love spending the night with them and I think it's because they get to eat pizza and have sugar cereal and whatever junk they can get out of Ellie and Captain. They don't get much candy or junk so once a month is fine with me. They're excited about spending the weekend and then they ask if their momma will be okay all weekend without them. I tell them that they'll see us tomorrow at the party and then they'll be home the day after. They think about it for a minute and then they say they're okay with that. We get home and they do their work and pack their bags. At around 6 pm they're picked up by their papaw and they rush to him ready to get their weekend started. They come and get their cuddles and kisses from us and they leave with a wave.
Chapter 38
Lyric
The twins have left and I'm restless so I go looking for my man. I find him in the basement working out. Seeing him with his shirt off and his arms and chest glistening with sweat I feel myself getting turned on. I'm getting wet and that alone makes me happy because I'm having this reaction to him. It's only happened a couple of times and it's not like it used to be when I was wet and horny around him most of the time. I think my brain's finally catching up with my body. I walk down the stairs and walk up to him and he sees the look on my face.
"Whatcha doin down here baby?"
"I got bored and I wanted to see what you're doing." I say to him.
"I'm almost finished with my workout." He tells me.
"I'll sit on the bench and watch you finish."
"Okay sweetheart." He says with a smile.
I watch him finish on the other weight bench and then he grabs his towel and wipes his face and body off and he catches me watching him.
"Do ya like whatcha see baby doll?" He asks with a laugh.
"I like it a whole lot." I respond to him.
"I'm glad you like what you see babe." He says with a smirk.
"I'll walk you up the stairs baby. Then I'm going to grab a shower." He says to me.
"I can take a shower with you."
"As tempting as that is babe. I need to shower and do some work in my office." He says to me.
My feelings are hurt right now because he wouldn't have turned me down before. Hell from the minute the twins left he would've taken my clothes off and been balls deep in me. I turn around so he can't see my face.
"Don't worry about me going up the stairs. I can make it on my own. You can just shower down here."
I hurry up the stairs before he can say anything to me. I shut the door at the top of the steps. I make my way to our room and I lock myself in my bathroom. I start my shower and get undressed without looking at myself and get into the shower. I turn the radio pretty loud to drown out the sound and put my head under the shower head and I cry. I cry because on some level I knew this would happen. I cry because I'll never be the same as I was before the rape. I cry because he just broke my fucking heart. I sit down on the bench and fold in on myself trying to keep my broken inside me. My brain's telling me I should've known. The only fucking reason he proposed is because he wants to have his kids with him. My brain's telling me that he loves me but he's no longer in love with me. I knew that things would fucking change when he found out he's wasn't the only one that's been in me. That fucking changed everything and I feel like my insides are dying and I don't know how to deal with this. I can't live here with him if he doesn't fucking want me. I can't be with him just for our children's sake and not have him want me sexually anymore. My heart fucking hurts so fucking bad. I wish that I'd never made it out of that fucking cabin if this is how my fucking life is going to be like now. I'm so fucking stupid to think things could go back to the way they were.
I'm crying so hard I don't hear Dean get into the bathroom or open the shower door.
"Baby?" He says as I continue to cry.
I love him so fucking much. I don't know how to give him up.
"Fuck baby I'm so fucking sorry. I wasn't even thinking about what my rejection would do to you. I want you honey I want you more than you even realize. Oh god baby listen to me! I was going to talk to you when I got out of the shower. Baby I'm sorry I didn't realize the damage I could do. I need you to listen! I want you, I love you, I want us to be together every second, every minute. I was down stairs working out so that I would use up my pent up sexual energy I have for you. I want us to wait until we're married baby. We've waited this long we can wait a little bit longer. Baby do you hear me? Do you understand what I'm saying? Baby talk to me!" He says with sadness and regret.
I continue to cry and he has me wrapped up in him tight. He's whispering that he loves me and he's so sorry for making me feel like he doesn't want to make love to me because that's all he wants to do. I wrap my arms around him and I hug him and bury my face in his neck. I'm trying to get my breathing and tears under control.