She sighs, her head against my chest now. My arms wrap around her pulling her tighter feeling her body tremble against mine. “But I have to know that you trust me.”
“I do. I love you.” I say, staring down at her.
She smiles like she’s been waiting to hear that from me for a lifetime, only now it truly means something special. She understands because despite saying I love you, she knows that’s not coming with anything. I’m not defining this as her being my girlfriend. I don’t think we’re quite there yet. I’m simply letting her know because she needs to know.
Madison doesn’t say it back but I’m not expecting her to right then. I feel it in my heart that’s finally beating again that she does.
She loves me too.
December 27, 2013
“You want to have a beer tonight?” I raise an eyebrow. “Just one.”
Landon may not be playing but he’s still a part of the team and still at every practice. He’s standing by my locker asking if I want to have a beer with him tonight. I say okay only because it’s two days from game day. Tomorrow night I would have said no. I’m very strict about what I put into my body the days before a game.
As we’re talking, I hear Holden complaining about his latest fuck. Both Landon and I stare at him with amusement. “I don’t think I’m calling her again. She had a fucking winter coat. I’m still picking pubic hairs from my mouth.”
Landon gags and turns his head toward me. “Please tell me we’re leaving.”
I nod, a little disgusted myself. “Yeah, let’s go.”
We both shake our heads as Holden walks off and Landon smiles at me. “Wanna go to Taylor’s?”
We do and I can tell immediately something is bothering him.
He sighs as we walk up the street to the bar. “The NCAA pulled my scholarship.”
“What are you going to do?”
“My dad hired a lawyer but for now I can stay in school, just have to pay for my tuition. I might have to pay back what they gave me too… but I can also petition to have the suspension lifted after the first of the year since the toxicity reports showed such low levels. Coach says the suspension will be lifted for playing next year but could be less if I appeal. My dad appealed.”
“That’s not too bad then. I mean they could have kicked you out of school, couldn’t they?”
“I suppose. They’re making me enroll in drug and alcohol classes too starting after the first of the year.” He gives me a serious look. “I’m trying man. I want to be better. Madison does too.”
I smile because it’s the truth. Landon may have been lost these last three years but he’s never lied to me. “I know you are.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “And I’ll be here for you. Even if you just need to sit and talk, I’m here.” I don’t miss him saying Madison is too. I know she is.
It has to be hard for Landon not playing but there’s some responsibility on his part here as to why. He knows that. If anyone does right now, it’s Landon because while the boys he’s been playing with for the last three years are getting ready to play in the Bowl game, he’ll be on the sidelines. Watching.
“I’m not going to the game.”
I frown at him. Maybe I was wrong. “Why not?”
“It’s just… it’s hard, man. I feel like I let everyone down.”
“You did.”
He doesn’t want to hear that. It’s the truth.
“What does not showing up say about you? What kind of message does that send the team?”
He knows I have a point and nods. He doesn’t say much else but I know my words hit home.
“Have you ever thought about proposing to Madison?” The question is completely out of the blue from Landon. He never talks like this. Ever.
“Are you going to propose to Macy?” I ask, watching his nerves skyrocket.
“I thought about it. We’re nowhere near ready for that. We’ve barely talked since the beach but what was said needed to be said.” I watch his reaction to us talking about this. I know Landon well enough to know that he believes Macy might not want to be with him. He believes he shattered her hope for forever. He believes he destroyed her one chance at happiness when he dropped that joint and Steven swerved the car. And if it wasn’t then, he destroyed it in the closet with Madison.
That’s not true though. Macy wants that happy ever after. She just needs to know that Landon’s ready to give it to her.
“The beach really was nice, wasn’t it?” I ask thinking about us sitting around the fire those nights talking about the way things used to be and the way football is now.