I haven’t heard from him lately, other than a couple text messages. He’s been busy practicing for the bowl game next week against the Longhorns in San Antonio.
“So you’re going to actually sing at the bowl game?” Alexa asks Macy.
Macy frowns, her cheeks flushing. “I said I would but I’m so nervous I feel like I’m going to puke every time I think about it. There’s something like sixty-thousand people at that game.”
“Can you imagine Landon’s face when he sees that?” Alexa asks Macy.
The glow Macy gets tells me she has. “He’s not playing in the bowl game.”
“He’s still going though, isn’t he?” I ask taking a bite from my pizza I haven’t bothered to touch. Food is disgusting to me these days. It’s not what my body wants but I’m trying.
“I’m not sure if he is or not.” Macy looks at me.
I hold my hands up. “I haven’t talked to him about it. Not sure if he would or not.”
“Are you going?” Macy ask pushing her own half-eaten pizza aside.
“Me?” I point to myself.
“Yeah.”
“Uh,” I laugh. “It’s in Texas, Macy. I can’t go there.”
“So? Why not?”
“I can’t afford to go.” I want to go because I haven’t been to a live game since that championship game in high school. There’s no way I could afford a plane ticket at the last minute.
Macy’s eyes light up like she has a plan. “Let me worry about that. We should all go together.”
Alexa shakes her head. “I’m staying here. I’m actually leaving here soon with the Griffin family. I’m spending the holidays with them before I return to school. But you two should go support the boys. They’d love that.” Alexa’s phone rings, it’s Jackie so she stands. “Tell the boys Merry Christmas for me and good luck.”
You would have never thought this girl tried to kill herself a few weeks ago. Never. The color of her hair is more vibrant, her skin is nice and pink. She looks great.
“I think Steven brainwashed her in her sleep.” I tell Macy when she drinks her ice water. “It’s totally something he would do too.”
“I was just thinking the same thing.” Macy leans forward. “I think you should go with me and surprise Cash.”
“Macy… we’re not together like that. We talked and we’re good but I haven’t actually seen him since we left the beach.”
She waves me off. “Doesn’t matter. You need to do this. He needs you there.”
She’s right. I do.
Macy watches me as I buy her dinner. It feels good to do that. “So you’re going to rehab?” She asks when we get in the car to head back to the house where mom is forcing us to watch Christmas Vacation with her tonight.
I know by my physical appearance and irritability, everyone around me knows I’m going through withdrawals. You can only hide it so much but Macy knows.
“Yeah. I’m taking drug and alcohol classes after winter break and then going to go see about Serenity Lane. I hear they have a good outpatient program.”
“Do you think you can stay away from it?”
A heavy question for sure.
I look out at the snow covering the windshield. “I hope I can. I’ve done good. It’s not easy. I’m… craving it… yeah. But I hate being hung over. I hate when that high wears off. I hate that after feeling when my body goes through the withdrawals. I don’t like throwing up and the nightmares…” I shiver thinking about how they plague my sleep.
Macy’s clearly shocked by my reveal and how open I just was with her. It’s the only way I can be now. If I want her to be my friend again, she needs to know all of this.
December 25, 2013
My parents have always known I’ve had a problem. They’ve tried to make a difference. Be there for me but never given me money to support my habits. Never.
I can’t say I blame them.
I’ve never asked them for anything either.
It’s a little weird when my mom handed me a round trip ticket to San Antonio. I wasn’t sure what to think of it.
“Thank you.” I say, wrapping my arms around my mom’s neck, and then my dad’s.
Dad winks and then makes his way into the kitchen where my grandparents and a few of my aunts are gathered leaving me with my mom.
She smiles, much like Jackie. You’d think she’d be pissed at me.
You’d think.
She’s none of that and it’s worse, sends my nerves flying and on edge. I want her to be angry with me like Cash is, or was. I want her to be pissed that I’ve been killing myself slowly right in front of her.