I can’t remember the last time I smiled like that. I want to go back to those moments in these pictures.
“You have to want to believe there’s good in this world.”
My eyes shift to the one of Macy and me again. I want to believe we can fix that too.
I’m not sure how to talk to Macy. Maybe that’s been my problem all along. Deciding how to say you’re sorry is that easy. She’s my twin so you’d think it would be easy for me. Despite knowing everything about her, I’m having trouble even knowing how to start this conversation. It’s two words that really need to be said but just the words mean nothing if they’re not followed by something more.
When I show up at Jackie’s house that morning with Alexa, I know Macy is in there. I find her in the kitchen with Jackie making cookies.
Alexa pushes me forward. “Here’s your chance to fix this. Don’t let this go. She needs you too.”
I stand in the hallway. Macy hasn’t said a word to me, but something in the way she’s watching me lets me know that she feels this too. It’s time.
I nod outside wanting to give Jackie a moment alone with Alexa. I’m also hoping that maybe that nod might open the door to our conversation that needs to happen.
It’s cold when we step outside, a breeze picks up when we step on the porch. We sit down on the front steps, the concrete colder than the air. My chest feels heavy, my skin burns and I know I need something, but I’m resisting. I have no drugs left on me and I don’t plan on getting anymore. I can’t. For him and for her but mostly, me.
When I look out at the grass the light dusting of snow shines and sparkles under the sunlight that creeps through the clouds.
I’m still not sure what to say after five minutes, so I start simple. “I’m sorry.”
Macy draws in a deep breath, her arms wrapped around her waist. “I know you are, Madison.”
“I’m sorry that I chose him that night and broke your trust.”
She says nothing.
Three minutes go by before we speak again, this time it’s Macy drawing me in to her words. “I hate what you’ve done to yourself. I hate that Steven’s gone and that Alexa wants to be. I hate that you’re slowly killing yourself. But mostly,” she pauses and waits for my eyes to find hers. When they do, we’re both crying. “I hate that I’m letting you do it.”
I reach for her, wanting her warmth to comfort the pain that is shaking my soul right now. I’m crying so hard my entire body trembles next to hers. I know what she means. Ignoring a problem is just as bad as creating one. We’ve all ignored it in our own way and caused the problem to grow even bigger than it was before.
“Can you forgive me?” I ask, my face buried in her hair as I hold myself against her.
Macy pulls back and cups my cheeks. “I’m going to try. You need me.” She gestures to my appearance. They all do. “I can’t stand seeing you like this. I need you, Madison. I need you to get better. I need you off the drugs.”
I’ve never been so relieved to hear those words.
I also know we have so much more to talk about and there are things that need to be said. Right now.
Macy knows that too. “I hate that you turned to Landon. And I don’t want to hate anymore. I’m exhausted.”
“He was just there, Macy.” I pull away from her completely but keep my body turned toward hers. “Haven’t you ever been curious… about Cash?”
Her eyes are distant, her cheeks flush and I know she has been. “Yes,” she admits. “I have.”
“And?”
“I would never act on it.” She sounds defensive.
“But you thought about it…”
She nods. “Yes.” And then it dawns on her what I meant. “I suppose the reason I didn’t act on it is because Cash is different. Cash wouldn’t ever let anything happen.” She frowns. “Landon on the other hand acts before he thinks.”
“He loves you, Macy. Only you.” Her chin shakes when I say those words, like she doesn’t quite believe them but wants to.
She knows that but the past is sometimes hard to forget and actions harder to forgive.
Though nothing lasts forever, I’m beginning to understand I had that chance, a memory, a moment to begin with.
Some don’t even get that.
December 8, 2013
Things change quickly sometimes. They say in the blink of an eye. I believe that.
I’ve experienced that.
Never did I think that five days ago I would be in a car with Landon and Madison and not want to knock their heads together.
Now here I sit with all of them on our way to the beach.