He gasps when he slides his tongue against mine, barely able to breathe but still he can’t stop himself from feeling. Our kisses answer nothing. We shouldn’t be doing this but when you feel too much, it’s only natural. My knees shift on the metal and I raise myself from his lap just slightly, his hands drop from my face, to my hips, he doesn’t want me moving. Grazing up my hoodie under my tank top to the bare skin he hasn’t felt in a while. He moans against my lips and pushes me down on his lap. I slide down his hard erection straining in his jeans. A wave of pleasure shoots through me, this time I moan.
What are we doing?
It’s wrong and we both know it because this isn’t the answer. It’s a fucking Band-Aid and we know it.
Just as I question this, Cash moves his left hand to the button of his jeans and gets them undone. Then he’s working on mine. Is he planning on having sex out here?
I can feel my tears running down my cheeks and mixing with our kisses. Frustration shakes him, takes his need and sends it flying. He rocks my hips against his and he moves his own grunting when it’s not enough. Pushing me down harder, he’s grinding himself into me like he doesn’t care where this is taking us. He doesn’t care that it’s snowing now, or that this isn’t that answer. He does this a few more times and I know if he keeps it up, I can come like this. It’d be so easy with the friction of our jeans. Suddenly I’m back to these very same bleachers when we were fourteen.
“Cash…” I moaned against his lips.
“Hold on, baby.” He said, panting, moving his lips to my neck and into my shoulder as I straddled him. He’s in his football pants and I’m in a tiny pair of cotton shorts. Neither one of us know anything about what we’re doing, just that it feels good to be this way.
“That feels so good.” I arched my back and rocked against his pelvis feeling his erection.
Cash threw his head back, the sunlight catching the sweat over his flushed cheeks from practice. His shirt was off, his stomach muscles flexing as moves me on top of him. “Fuck, I’m gonna come.”
“I love you…” I whisper against his lips, summer heat surrounding me.
The memories flood my mind and I start to cry harder at what I’ve let go. No matter what happens, I’ve destroyed parts of him that will never heal on their own.
He pulls away, panting and gasping for breath and trying to gather himself but he’s crying so hard he can barely get the word out. “Goddamn it, Madison. Fuck! Why do you do this to me! WHY? I told myself to never let you affect me this way again and now look at us, you start crying and I try to fix it. Only I try to have sex with you! Can’t you see how badly you’ve fucked me up?”
I don’t have an answer because he’s not seeing that I’m the same way. I’ve tried to leave him alone. I want to. I need to. He needs something better but I can’t. He draws me in and holds me captive in ways only he can.
We’re frozen in time here.
We always are around each other.
I’ve seen heartache, I’ve seen death, I’ve been high, stoned out of my mind, drunk on my ass to the point I can’t function. I’ve seen love, I’ve been in love. But there’s never a moment more consuming than the ones I have when I’m looking at these bloodshot eyes and see the promises I’ve destroyed.
“What do you want to hear, Cash?” I sob pushing away. “That I’m fucked up? That I have a drug problem? That I go through a bottle of vodka in a week sometimes? That I fuck my drug dealer so he gives me more? Do you want to hear I’ve gone through a gram of coke in a week sometimes or what I do to get it? Is that what you want to hear?”
He doesn’t want to hear any of that. In fact, is sets him off.
“Don’t you see… you’re fucking struggling, Madison!” His posture turns violent and shaking, consumed in thoughts he can’t control. “So I’m struggling. And you turned to Landon, or Jay, or Colton. Never me. Why not me? Goddamn it,” His palm hits the bleachers in annoyance, “WHY?”
“Because!” I shout turning away but then I face him because he needs to see this. “I never wanted you to see how bad it had gotten. I thought that if you saw that side you’d want nothing to do with me.”
His eyes penetrate mine with honesty. “That’s not true. I would have been there for you.”
I feel like he’s going to say more, yell more, scream, but he doesn’t and his breathing evens out. He sighs.
Nothing.
I wait.
He’s trying to help me now. It’s in his nature even if he doesn’t want to care. “You know, it was never your actions that gave you away and told me what was going on. It was your eyes. They were drowning that night. I watched you when the paramedics took Steven away as we sat there on the street. It was as if that night, that moment took away the light in them. And I haven’t seen it since.”