Nothing lasts forever.
Now what was I left with?
A pain so deep I didn’t think I deserved anything but this remorse, this despondency, this bloody fucking misery. I’m left with feeling like I won’t make it one hour let alone one day. I’ve done that to myself.
I’ve done that to him.
“It hurts to look at you, Cash.” I finally say, still staring at those painted white lines on bright green now peppered with a light snow cover. “You blind me.” My head hangs at my admittance, the beer in my hand evident I haven’t changed much. “So I drink. And I get high. And I hope that I don’t see that light anymore. I see darkness and there’s so much of it I think that I live in it. I do drugs, I get so lit there’s no way back down because when I’m down there, it’s so cold. It’s unbearably lonely. It’s where I should be.”
“You broke me.” He says. “You’ve constantly given me hope where there’s nothing. You did that.”
“I know.”
“When did you first fuck Jay for drugs?”
I know exactly what he’s referring to.
“Freshman year…”
Cash nods, and looks the other way shaking his head. He takes a moment and when he speaks again, I know just how badly it’s hurting to ask this right now. His voice breaks right along with another piece of his heart. “Who else?”
“I don’t really remember.”
He considers that for a minute. “From my team then?”
I don’t blame him for wanting to know this but it’s hard because I know it’s going to hurt him to hear this.
“Jet and Colton. Maybe others.”
He turns his head and looks over at me. “You’re the reason Jet broke up with Chrissy, aren’t you?”
“I’ve destroyed a lot of people, Cash.” My voice is as dejected as it should be. “I’m not proud of it.”
“And Landon?”
“I never had sex with Landon.”
“But you wanted to?” His eyes fall away.
“No.” I shake my head immediately.
“Have you ever wanted to?”
I think about it, for a moment and then give him an honest answer. “The high me has wanted to. The normal me? No. Never.” He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even look my way. But then I’m curious. “Have you?”
“Have I what?”
“Had sex with anyone else besides Bethany?”
He stares at me and my heart beats faster anticipating his answer. “No. I tried. I wasn’t lying when I said I was a broken piece of shit. I’ve tried so many times and I can’t.”
“And Macy?”
He shook his head. “No.” His answer was immediate which makes me feel better.
“Landon said that you she sent you a text that made him think you were together.”
“It was a joke. She wanted to send a text to Landon that said she missed his dick. So I said I wished someone would send me one like that. So she did.”
I laugh though it’s not loud, because that’s exactly the shit drunk Cash would find entertaining. I should have known Macy would never go for Cash anyway. She’s better than stooping as low as I did.
Cash sniffs and takes another drink of his beer before standing. He takes the bottle in his right hand and then sends it flying toward the trash can at the end of the bleachers the sound of glass hitting metal echoes around us. His eyes stay on the field as he stands, higher than me in so many ways. The sight of him looking over the field takes my breath away. He deserves to be out there with the lights of the field shining down on him.
“So you couldn’t face me, and turned to them?” He speaks as if he’s speaking to no one in particular as he stares at the field.
“Not exactly. I was avoiding you. So I turned to them. I turned to anything that would make me forget. But I could never turn away completely. You were always there, giving me hope, giving me the last sliver of light I had.”
We’re silent again, the only sound is our breathing mixing with the steady snowfall. I’d forgotten how quiet it was out here at night.
“Cash… I miss you.” I tell him again, wondering what he’s going to say next. I’ve hurt him so much that I know nothing will ever be the same between us. I’ve wrecked this beyond repair but he needs to know how I feel. “Can we… ” I can’t even say it, his presence is too much.
He sighs and sits back down beside me and this time our shoulders touch. Reaching forward he grabs another beer from the six-pack. He offers me another but I shake my head. It’s pounding so bad I can barely see.
“I wish I could say that I don’t miss you.” He says, bringing the beer to his lips taking a slow drink. Turning his head, his eyes travel the length of my body, taking in what he clearly does miss. “But I do. I can’t go back to what we were, Madison. And I’m sorry but I can’t be friends either. It’s all or nothing with me. If you give me a moment, I’m wanting a minute. If you give me a day, I’m gonna want a decade.”