Dad married Julia about five years ago but she’s been around since I was eleven. I really like her but I’ve never been able to call her mom. I just can’t. It seems weird to me to call someone mom who’s not really your mother.
As soon as I’m inside the house I go up to my room and set my bag on my bed. It looks the same as it did when I left it in August. I usually spend the summers here for a short time and work with my dad. He owns his own accounting firm and though I’m not good with that shit, it’s a summer job and gives me some extra money.
I open my bag and pull out a couple hoodies and jeans. I throw my Ducks hoodie on and then find my gray hat I like with the lime green Oregon logo on it.
As I stand there in my room and watch the sky turn lighter knowing the snow is on the way, I hear heavy breathing and the drooling of my favorite little monster. I smile when I feel the tug on my jeans and reach down to pick her up.
“How’s my girl doing?”
Bentley smiles at me reaching for my hat. She says something but who knows what that might be. It’s more of the baby noise I can’t understand just yet. Sadly, I don’t get to see my ten-month-old little sister very often. It’s a relief that she remembers me though.
“How are you, pretty girl? Keeping out of trouble?”
I don’t expect her to talk but she starts saying something and acting like I should know. I hear a knock and Julia appears at my door. She smiles taking in the sight of us. “She misses you when you’re gone.”
I set Bentley down on my bed and sit beside her. She goes through my entire bag digging out clothes and the football I have in there. “I thought she would forget me.”
“She’ll never forget you, Cash.” Julia sits down beside Bentley. “Every Saturday afternoon she’s glued to our television.”
“He watches my games?” Julia knows who I’m referring to.
“He never misses one.”
I don’t know why but it surprises me that my dad watches my games. He wanted me to play for LSU or even Florida State. Never for the Ducks. Wasn’t even on his radar. He didn’t think I’d get the attention I needed to go pro playing for Oregon. It wasn’t about going pro for me it was about being with my friends. I almost let the scholarship go after the accident but I was committed at that point and I never back out of a promise.
I went because Steven would have wanted me to go.
I think Julia can see how tired I am and what the last month has done to me. “Are you okay? I heard about Alexa.”
Looking down at Bentley, she’s handing me a hat so I take off the one I have on and put the one she gives me on top of my head, all the while she’s giggling like we are sharing a secret between just the two of us. She does this two more times before I answer Julia, it’s my way of stalling. I’m not okay.
“No… it’s just been a rough month.”
“I can tell.”
I’ve never given Julia the credit she deserves. I’m curious as to how she even puts up with my father but she’s a good woman and I know I’ve never given her a chance to be a mother to me, though she’s been a better parental figure than my dad has been over the years.
I don’t do much that day. I know I should be over at Jackie’s or checking on Alexa but I also know that if I go over there Madison and Landon will be there and I can’t do that just yet.
Instead I watch TV with Bentley and get introduced to her favorite show. Bubble Guppies.
Just being with her all day lifts the ease in my chest. I feel guilty the whole time. The reason I came back was for Alexa and I hadn’t done that.
December 7, 2013
“Are you seeing Macy?” Julia asks when Macy leaves that morning. She came into my room while I was sleeping and crashed the sleeping in party I intended to have.
“No… she just needed a friend.”
She did need a friend. This whole thing hasn’t been easy on any of us and Macy feels so much. She can’t help but feel too much at times. I also had to apologize to her after the night I got in a fight with Jay. I was a dick to Macy and that wasn’t cool. She did nothing wrong.
My phone vibrates in my jeans. I pull it out and look down at the message. It’s from Macy telling me they’re releasing Alexa from the hospital and to meet them at Jackie’s house.
I don’t like that.
I don’t want to see Madison or Landon but I know I have to.
I tuck my phone back in my pocket and smile down at Bentley before leaving. I give Julia a hug before grabbing my wallet and keys and head down the street to Jackie’s house.
They still live in the same house they did when we grew up. They remodeled it a few years back but on the outside it’s mostly the same. Every time I pull up to it I think Steven’s going to come out with those bright eyes and goofy smile.