There it is.
I destroyed the last piece of my life that was giving me light. It’s gone, and probably forever. My chest constricts, every muscle tight waiting for him to say something.
He doesn’t.
It hurts more.
This isn’t love.
This right here is hate.
He finally hates me.
There’s so much pain, hatred and sadness pouring from him that his words rip open wounds I didn’t know were there. Screams I’ve let die inside me release and I cry next to him, not just any cry, it’s the kind of crying you think might never stop. It hurts more to look at him, burns even worse and kills me just as much. There’s no relief from crying, it only hurts more.
Minutes pass. Could be three. Could be three years.
Cash won’t look at me now. I should say something, anything. I should tell him he’s right and it’s better this way. He’s finally doing the right thing. I want to. The words are there, they burn as badly as the tears that keep falling from both of our eyes. Instead, my words are trapped where my heart was left, buried six feet deep.
His feet slide and he attempts to stand, trying to brace himself but he can’t. Instead his head falls to his hands. “I don’t want you. I don’t want to want you. It’s destroying my fucking life. Eventually there’s going to be nothing left of me. Nothing.” His head shakes but he still doesn’t raise it to look at me. “It’s all you, and me trying to save you. I can’t do it anymore because it’s killing me.” And then he stands, strong and tall, hands that have held me for years shove deep in the pockets of his jeans and he steps toward the door. “I’m tired. I’m fucking tired of your shit and Landon’s. You two might as well have died in that crash too. You know that? To me, to Macy, it’s like we lost three friends that day.”
When he’s at the door, I ask, “So this is it? We’re breaking up?”
I know he’s done but I have to hear it. I have to.
“Breaking up?” He laughs. “We haven’t been together since you tried to fuck my best friend. I should have left then and never looked back.”
He should have. He’s absolutely right on that.
“We’re toxic, Madison. We’re a disease with no cure. We kill each other inside.”
My turn to laugh. And it’s just as bitter as his was. “You don’t think I know that? You think I want to feel this shit?”
“Yes, I do. We did this, Madison. We did. We broke each other. That’s how much control you have over me because I let you. I LET YOU!”
His anger shakes the room, one last crash and my hands fly to my ears when my bookshelf collides with the ground.
“And you control me!” I scream, because he does and he has to know.
“No. I don’t.” He shook his head violently. “I love you. That’s the tragic part!”
“Then stop loving me.” I drop my hands and let them fall to my sides. “You shouldn’t.”
“I can’t.” Cash takes a deep breath, as if he’s been dying to take that breath since he came in here. “That’s my problem.”
He’s heading for the door, stepping over everything he’s destroyed in the room when there’s a knock at the door. It’s the campus police checking on me.
Cash sighs and backs against the wall where the bookshelf once sat. His eyes are deep and hurt.
“We received a noise complaint, ma’am.” The officer looks past me and to Cash. “Do we have a problem here, Bryant?”
Cash looks at the ground, and then me out of the corner of his eye. “Nope.”
“Did you do this?”
“Yep.” He’s not hiding anything. Cash never does. He doesn’t need to.
“Why?” The officer leans into the door frame, relaxed with his arms crossed over his chest. He doesn’t seem too concerned, but he’s also not letting Cash leave.
By the way he’s shaking, he wants to leave. He’s had enough and can’t even look at me without breaking. His tears are still present but not falling, just there pooling.
Cash starts to speak and it’s clear he wants to be anywhere but here as he shoves his hands into his pockets. “She fucked my friends, fucked her drug dealer, and broke my heart. That’s why.”
I let the words sink in as he spoke them. The impact of his words almost make me feel like I am being tortured.
I think campus security sees there’s no harm, Cash wouldn’t hurt me. They leave a minute later and Cash is lingering by the door, tears slowly falling. He’s all messed up but he can’t leave.
“You don’t think I know that? I know what I’ve done to us.”