I thought it was more.
That’s my problem. I thought.
When Madison opens the door, she’s dressed in my jersey from freshman year… yeah, the one she stole, and it’s a fading fucking reminder of what we used to be. I want to rip it off her body like she rips my heart out.
When I step inside, she’s not looking at me and she won’t. She barely ever does.
“What are you doing here?” Her voice is low and hushed as she reaches to close the bathroom door.
I step inside raising an eyebrow at her, but I don’t look up, I can’t. The thump is louder, her proximity is suffocating. We don’t touch as I speak. “You don’t want me here?”
She shakes her head, hopeless eyes fail to find anything they’re looking for. Slumped shoulders give way and she wraps her arms around me bringing our bodies together. Her hands slide over my wet shirt, catching as it clings to my body. She kisses down my jaw until her lips find mine. She captures me, right then, consuming me with her kisses. Our lips never fumble, maybe frustrated we can never get close enough, but they’re sure kisses that designate what we are, for the briefest moment.
We’re this, right here, right now.
A three AM text and no questions, only mumbled words of acceptance.
I’m here for something and she knows it, her mouth finds mine again fisting her hands in my t-shirt, pulling me into her. We stumble, the wall meets her back and I’m dying, falling, soaring into the high only she can give me. I close my eyes and ignore the thump in my chest, ignore the fact that’s she’s never gonna love me the way I love her.
It’s just not going to happen.
Ever.
Stop beating. Stop believing in anything but never.
The moment her tongue meets mine, I can’t breathe again. I’m screaming in pain that she can’t see what she does to me, how she makes me feel.
We fall against her bed and I don’t even look to see if Jenny can see us. I’m too far gone now. I need to be inside Madison and feel. Feel something.
My teeth sink into the tender skin of her neck as I’m held up by one hand, undoing my jeans and ripping her underwear aside. It’s impatient hands and intensity I only feel with her, a burn she knows, a burn she gives. I hear the tear of fabric and I don’t even bother pulling my jeans all the way down.
I’m too consumed.
I just get them to my knees and plunge inside her in my next movement. It feels so good that I’m almost forgetting what I’ve done.
I know my mistake right away though. The last thing we need is a baby.
I pull out, though my body screams for me to continue. My hands are shaking, trembling with desire and hurt, I reach inside her nightstand and see only one condom in there. I ignore the fact there’s a fucking baggie of cocaine in there too.
I ignore that because of the way that missing condom splits my goddamn chest open.
It slaughters me and takes my breath and heart with it.
It’s done beating.
Two days ago when I fucked her last, there were three. I used one.
Where’s the other?
My eyes sweep to hers over my shoulder, she’s not looking at me. Her eyes are on the wall.
I’m pissed, my anger is evident in my eyes and the way my body tenses, but I don’t stop.
I can’t now.
I won’t.
My jaw clenches, my heart cracks, my hand goes to her hip and I force myself inside her after I get the condom on. Her body tenses around me, her eyes on mine. She can feel the cold radiating from them. It gives her chills that freeze these blue eyes I want to sink into everyday but know they never feel.
She feels something now.
She knows I know in that moment.
Fuck you, Madison. Fuck you for breaking me.
Her hands clench my back and try to bring me closer, but I don’t go. She needs to see this. She needs to see that she’s fucking wrecking me. She’s destroyed everything about me.
She’s done this.
Fucking take it. See what you’ve done.
“You’re killing him. You. Are. Killing. Him.”
You are. You did.
You. You. You.
Why not me? Why is it always you?
Why can’t you see me! Why can’t you love me?
I’m having a hard time controlling myself and if I wanted to, I could come with each thrust, but I don’t. I’m holding on because she’s letting go. Someone has to hold on. In so many ways she’s letting go.
And this time… this time I’m letting go.
I try to be gentle but I can’t. Not now. She wants what I’m feeling and I’m hurting.
I give it to her. I cover her body with mine, my belt digging into her thighs. With a gasp, she spreads them wider allowing me to fuck her harder. I raise up on my hands and watch, as much as it hurts to do so. A breathtaking beauty only she holds. A power she’s had over me but this king is letting go.