In the last three years, my life is nothing like I’d thought.
Remember that ring?
I still have it.
That girl?
She’s gone in the sense that she’ll never be the same. But I can’t let her go no matter how hard I try.
And no matter how much I try, I can never forget that night that changed forever.
I can’t stop seeing it.
I live it over and over again, as do the others in the car that night.
It’s a horrible nightmare that we will never forget. When I have nightmares about it, gasping and struggling to breathe, I feel like that breath I need is never granted.
The worst part for me is that I’m doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing. Playing college football.
I’m playing at the University of Oregon and the starting quarterback for the Oregon Ducks. Some think I’m this Golden Boy with the perfect life who is living the dream. Sure. They can say any of that but I have to disagree. And sure, I’ve been on the cover of Sports Illustrated my senior year of high school and offered a full ride to any college I wanted, but if it was so damn good, I’d have my boys beside me. I wouldn’t have buried one of my best friends, I wouldn’t have punched my other one and I would be engaged.
I’m none of that. I have none of that. What I have is right now.
I take my time getting over to the Len Casanova Center, our football training center. It’s unreal the facility we have here and makes me feel like I’m playing for a pro team every time I step foot in here.
We have everything from state-of-the-art training equipment to personal iPads to flat screen televisions everywhere, underwater treadmills, cold tubs, hot tubs, and even a barbershop.
A barbershop.
It’s insane.
It’s probably why I spend ninety percent of my time in there from the early morning to around ten, sometimes eleven at night.
As I’m changing into my shorts and t-shirt, I hear bits and pieces of conversations around me. I’m the quiet one on this team of marauders. I don’t talk much because all these guys are talking about is pussy and football. Sure, I’ll talk football all night long but not pussy. It’s none of their fucking business.
Once in the gym, I’m a little on edge listening to their bullshit and lifting weight relaxes me.
I was with Madison this morning and you’d think I would have been at ease because of that, but I’m exceptionally tense these days. I’m not even sure why. There’s this nagging feeling in my gut since the season started. Maybe it’s the pressure getting to me. We have an open day this Saturday but then we play the Bears and we have the Huskies and Cougars coming up too. It’s not an easy schedule.
Coach Erwin, the offensive coordinator for the Ducks, takes me aside. He starts going over plays immediately while I continue to lift, and leaves little room for confusion or questions. He’s thorough and I appreciate that. I never have to guess and he trusts me on the field. I’ll always remember this saying that coaches make decisions, players make the plays.
I believe that.
They let me do what I do, I respect them enough to do what they do.
I do a lot of training with the other two quarterbacks on our team and it’s clear I’m the tallest of the three, 6’2”, and I think that gives me a good advantage, let’s me see more of the field.
It’s definitely held some advantages for me because I was the first freshman to start in twenty years at this college as a quarterback. I’ve been the starting quarterback for the last two years. I’m watched by the NFL, talked about as being nominated for the Heisman Trophy and contacted by teams as well as promised the world.
If I play well.
If.
That’s a lot of fucking pressure for someone who just turned twenty-one a few weeks ago.
Playing college football is different from high school. Everything is more pressure, harder hitting and fast-paced. Even with all that I led our team to a 12-1 season. I threw 2677 yards on 230 of 336 passing attempts. I threw for thirty-two touchdowns with only six interceptions.
Yeah, my freshman year was a good season and I earned the team’s respect.
Now, my junior year, we’re four games into the 2013 season and for the most part, we’re looking pretty good.
They say I’m a top prospect for the 2015 draft. I like to think I am, but I’m not getting my hopes up on that one.
I spend the rest of the hour on the treadmill before needing to leave to make it to my classes on time. Most think we’re in there trying to bulk up. It’s not necessarily true. We work on flexibility and conditioning. Not necessarily for strength, but endurance. If you can’t play a whole game because you have no endurance, what’s the point?