“It’s pretty cool,” he says, giving the guy standing beside him an autograph on a beer coaster. They take a photo with Cash and then they leave.
Tonight isn’t any different than it ever is with him. Since his freshman year here, he’s been this school’s superstar. They worship him in ways he could have never imagined coming from such a small town like Canby. It isn’t too hard to be a superstar back home, but at a university where tens of thousands of students and faculty know your name and high five you randomly walking around campus, yeah, that’s a big deal.
A cheerleader comes by, Amber Kadence, her hands lingering over the chest I used to lay my head on and watch the night fade to morning. Her hair is perfect, her body toned and eyes bright. So different from me with the messy hair pulled back in a bun, baggy clothes, and tired eyes. I feel like when I see him like this, surrounded by people and girls who pine for him that I’m in the way. An obligation he feels entitled to watch over.
Sometimes I wish he wouldn’t bother with me.
Sometimes I wonder why he does.
Sometimes… I’m thankful he does.
“Nice game, Cash.” Her pretty brown eyes flutter to mine. She knows Cash doesn’t belong to me but she’ll never understand just how much he and I control each other.
Cash looks up at her, winks and smiles. “Thanks, Amber.”
He’s always polite. I don’t think he knows anything else.
I shift my eyes from them, I don’t want to see this. It hurts to see it firsthand but I have no say. I’ve created this monster, fed it. My unwillingness to move on from the past keeps this monster’s vice-like hands around me. The longer I watch him and the endless flow of students congratulating him and talking about the game, I see what kind of person he is.
Cash is different than most college football players. Even Colton and Jet, hell, even Landon. Nothing rattles him like it should. He’s extremely focused on the field. Off the field, he has a 4.0 and still manages to be the star quarterback. Naturally everyone looks to him wondering where the fault lies. We all have them, some just hide it better than others.
He has one. And it’s me.
I’m the disease slowly killing him.
There’s a break in the crowd as I’m picking at my fries. That’s when I ask, “Are you having sex with her?”
Cash looks down at the bill on the table and then up at me.
I reach inside my purse and pull out a twenty. “You don’t have to pay for me.”
Cash doesn’t answer. He watches my reaction to his silence and slides the money back at me.
“No.” He answers taking a drink of his water and then gives a nod at the door.
“No, what?”
“No, I haven’t slept with her.”
I’m relieved somewhat.
What if he did? How would I feel about that?
We’re walking back to the dorms when I slip off the sidewalk and into the street where I lay down between the center lines.
“Do you think of dying, Cash?” He looks back and sees I’m not behind him.
“Come on, Madison, get up.” He jogs over and reaches down grabbing my hand. “Don’t mess around.”
I don’t move. Instead I stay lying in the street letting the rain hit my face as I look up at the sky. I wonder what Steven was thinking that night when he knew he was dying. When he watched us watching him die? Did he feel pain? Was he sad? Were there things he wanted to say and didn’t?
“Just lay here with me.” I say, looking over at him.
“No.” He turns away and walks to the sidewalk. “Get out of the street.”
Cash doesn’t like to think of that night. This reminds him of it. I can feel his body tense from where I stand on the street.
“Why is everything with you so planned?” I ask getting up and taking the five steps it takes to reach him on the curb. He stares down at me as I speak, searching my eyes for the answer to my crazy ways. “Don’t you ever just want to live right now?”
“I am living right now.” He turns again and starts walking back to the dorms. Our steps crunch the falling leaves, the cool fall night slaps at my face with a spray of mist. It rains here a lot. Not as much as Seattle, but in the fall it rains. I like the rain. I’ll even get up in the middle of the night to go walk in it just so I can feel the water on my skin.
It’s refreshing.
It’s calming.
We get to the dorm, standing near the bike racks and Cash hesitates for a half a second. He’s not sure whether he should follow me or not when we reach the cafeteria. He decides not and then gives me a wink and heads toward the elevators down the hall. I go the opposite direction. We both live in the same building on the east side of the campus, only Cash is on the other side and lives with Saylor, the center on his team.