Forever Dark(15)

He groaned and pushed against me again, backing me up against the wall, his hands moving to my ass and raising me up so my legs were spread. Pressing forward, his erection dug into me. That time we both gasped, my hands flew to his chest tugging at his tie and white dress shirt wanting the unspoken closeness he was providing. He helped me out, eyes so dark they looked like shadows, red cherry lips and flushed cheeks captured my gaze.

We were dying.

This is what dying feels like. I was sure of it.

We were not thinking. I couldn’t. He couldn’t. Right now, we were reacting.

Landon swayed, his movements slow, his bare chest pressed against mine, his hands pawed at my dress. I heard the rip as the slits draping my thighs tear and the top was torn away by impatient hands needing the thrill. We swayed because we were fading. We weren’t even in our minds.

“I have a condom… ” he whispered, gasping for breath, his mouth never leaving mine.

I didn’t say a word, but my body began to tremble.

Stop him. You’ll ruin him. You’ll ruin her.



Sometimes I do wonder if Alexa hadn’t come in what could have been. But then again, I’m glad she did. I’m sure—had Landon and I had sex—there would have been no chance at repairing anything. Call me crazy but I sometimes get the feeling that someday maybe we can all repair this. All of us.

When I get back to my dorm, I go into the bathroom that separates my room from Jenny’s dorm. We always keep the bathroom doors open. I feel like I’m not alone that way.

Jenny’s on her bed with a book in her face. She’s studying and I know it’s something I should be doing, but I can’t muster the energy to be concerned about studying.

Jenny and I have been roommates since freshman year. I’m sure she’s used to my spiral down this dark path. The deeper in I go, the more she overlooks. She knows who I fuck and she knows how bad I fuck my life up. What she doesn’t know is why. And I don’t think I have to tell her. Some things that don’t need explaining. This is one of them.



September 19, 2013



The house is crowded, so many people that you can barely move. My eyes are heavy, my skin feels prickly under my hoodie that I keep pulled over my head. The air smells of weed and stale beer. A loud bass kicks and pounds in my head.

I’m wandering in a room that’s dark and suffocating.

No direction.

No nothing.

I’m craving.

Jay reaches for me and takes me to the back of the house. Each room we pass, people are either fucking or shooting up. When we get inside the room, we sit down on the couch near the window. Jay reaches inside the drawer beside his bed and then comes back over to me. I watch his black shoes as they drag against the old wooden floor that creaks as he steps. Jay’s house is about a mile off campus. Usually it’s filled with people. Some I recognize, others I don’t and it’s never the same crowd aside from a few regulars.

Jay’s eyes are half open as his knee touches mine on the old burnt red couch, his breathing heavy. “Who’s that from?”

I touch the spot over my collarbone with my fingertips. “You.” I lie, keeping my head down. There’s no sense in looking at him now.

I lift my eyes to the tattoos that cover his skin and the round black earrings he wears. My gaze travels lower to the ripped black Pearl Jam t-shirt to the black jeans that fray at the heels.

I chew on the inside of my cheek waiting for his response. He leans forward and lays out the white powder in front of him and then pulls out his credit card.

Jay rubs his nose, runs the back of his hand over his thick dark beard, and leans forward again chopping rails on the glass table, his long lashes fluttering as he shakes his head. Raising his hand and tipping his DC hat up and knocking it off his head behind his back. “Sure it is.”

Jay knows I’m not only fucking him. He’d have to be stupid to think that and he’s far from stupid, he’s a drug dealing businessman and knows when people are trying to lie their way out of something. I don’t know much about him other than he’s around thirty and can get you the shit you crave. That’s all I need to know. Unfortunately, being here, with him, I see things I don’t care to see. I see the danger that lurks in this house and how deep you can be pulled under.

Then I wonder, have I already gotten as deep as one can go with Jay?

Jay’s strange to me. He’s scary as hell and definitely not someone you want to piss off but for some reason, when he lets you see his eyes, there’s a gentleness to them you wouldn’t expect. I doubt many of his clients see this side of him; however, I also doubt many of his clients are paying their habit in sexual favors either.