Steven gasps for a remnant of air, then another.
Fighting for one more after that.
It rocks me.
Alexa’s eyes snap to mine and my chest tightens.
Nothing happens.
“I’m trying, Alexa, but I don’t think this is going to work. I’m trying!” I try to pull her to me and shield her but she wants no part of it and twists away from me grabbing at Steven’s left hand.
“You lied to me, Steven Griffin.” She sobs into his hand she’s holding, kissing it and then holding it against her lips. “You lied to me! You said we’d always be together.”
Landon looks up when he hears Steven moan, trying to speak. “No…I…didn’t.” It’s clear he can barely get the words out. His voice is strained and harsh quick breaths escape me knowing what’s happening. “I… be… with you… forever.” With a rattle to his voice, his shaking left hand moves from hers and rests over her heart.
“Please, Steven! Don’t leave me!”
It hurts to watch. We can hear the sirens in the background, they’re faint but on their way. It’s not going to be enough time.
“I don’t have a choice, baby.” His eyes flutter closed, blood takes away the brown. “I know I was loved by you… Alexa Ann…” he chokes on a breath, blood pouring from his mouth now. “By you…” He coughs and blood spatters the steering wheel. It sends Alexa into another round of hysteria, clutching at me, almost as if she still needs me to try and save him.
I want to save him.
I need to.
I look at him and squeeze my eyes shut still holding my shirts to his side.
She’s begging me.
He’s dying and she’s begging.
A minute passes.
And another.
Hold on. Please just fucking hold on.
Three.
I look at the guy on the hood. It’s sickening. It makes my heart pound.
Four.
Five.
“Where are the police? Where are the fucking police?!” Alexa screams looking to me and then Landon. They narrow on him, accusing, angry. “Landon, do something!” Landon’s head snaps up when Alexa screams at him.
He doesn’t say anything but he nods to Macy who’s still on the phone with them. She has one arm around Madison, the other holding the phone pressed against her ear.
I turn back to Steven and Alexa, my head turning slowly, my head pounding in my ears.
You can see it then, his eyes lose their luster, light slowly ebbing from his eyes as he finally stops coughing and stops breathing.
Alexa kisses his face, crying, holding him the best she can. “Steven! Please come back to me!” She screams, again, it makes my blood run cold, a stop your heart from beating scream as the life she’s holding in her hands lets go.
I leave my shirt compressing his wounds. I can’t let go. Maybe there’s a chance.
Maybe.
Over my shoulder, my eyes go to Madison, and then to the ring I’m holding in my bloody hand. I have to brace myself against the car, my heart is beating so fast. One day ruined forever.
Three cars stop, their passengers running to help, asking each one of us if we’re fine. An older couple is with the girls, a woman is asking me questions and three more are with Alexa and a man sitting beside Landon.
The sirens get closer and the streets fill with lights and shouts. My eyes scan around the scene but I can’t focus on any one thing. It’s overwhelming.
It’s crushing.
It’s gone.
It’s devastating and nothing will ever be the same. Every plan I’ve ever had for my future is over in a second. I need to move, but I can’t. One moment we’re celebrating, the next, we weren’t.
Forever is gone.
Three Years Later
September 18, 2013
I hate my classes. I’m also failing each one so that might be why I hate them so much.
I can never focus, and it’s not always because of school. My social life factors heavily into the equation.
Or maybe it’s the substances I turn to that allows me to cope.
I met Jay Lucas my freshman year. Landon introduced me to him. He’s small time dime bag shit but if you wanted the heavy, he provided it. I mostly stuck to just smoking but there were times when I wanted more. I wanted the feeling of the numbness I craved. And after a while, I did crave it more than I should. And now I’m wrapped up with a drug dealer. He provides that heavy I spoke of and he doesn’t charge me, as long as I give a little in return.
People don’t just up and decide to be sad. It doesn’t work that way. It happens over time. A slow progression like the changing of seasons. Some can control how they deal, others can’t. Coping in his or her own way becomes inevitable.
When Steven died, it was weeks, even months when the sadness hit. I’d wake up in the morning and think to myself, just smile. And when I couldn’t, when I couldn’t find a reason, I couldn’t understand why people tried to force me to.