Forever (Friends #3)(70)

On a side note, Livvy's mom ended it with her creepy boyfriend Fitch, and Livvy was so happy, she wanted to have a party. But then she realized her mom was really broken up over it, so they've been hanging out more, doing mom and daughter stuff, which is nice.

Kyla and Blake have started dating. They are moving so slow you'd think they were turtles in another life, but that's okay. Kyla's delicate, and Blake is shy. They have a lot in common, and Kyla's confided that he makes her laugh. I don't think Kyla's had much laughter in her life these last four years, so I'm thinking that's a good thing.

On the friendship front, we've forged a new group. Me, Livvy, Kyla and … Em. Surprising, right? It's early days and I'm not sure how long this might last, but I feel good so far. It's a step forward for Em and Livvy, and though they're not extremely close like they used to be, they're friendly. They can laugh together. And that's major. I also convinced Livvy that Kyla isn't boring. She's actually a lot of fun, she's just quiet, and they're the ones who've gotten close fast. It's nice. I have a clique, a group, and we're all good friends.

So yeah. Everything's coming together. We had a week off for Thanksgiving break and it was nice to get away from the drama that is school. Between both jobs, I worked a lot, spent the night at Livvy's along with Kyla one night, helped my mom prepare for Thanksgiving since we host it every year, and I worked my first Black Friday, which sucked.

Now it's Monday morning and I'm back on campus, dumping a few things in my locker before I go to first period. Livvy's waiting for me so we can walk together, and I don't notice the note caught up in the vents of my locker door until I'm just about to close it.

"What's that?" Livvy asks from over my shoulder, pointing at my door.

Oh. My heart leaps and I tell it to settle down. Even if it is from Jordan, I should tell him forget it. Seriously. Why hasn't he talked to me? Apologized to me? Told me that he misses me and wants me back and he screwed up so damn bad that he hates himself?

Yeah, that's never going to happen.

"Looks like a note," I mumble, grabbing the paper from the vent and unfolding it carefully. I recognize the writing from that last note I received in my locker. The one Jordan never claimed to have written, though I always sensed he had. 

There are paragraphs scribbled across the paper, and I squint, trying to read the messy, slashing handwriting.

"What's it say?" Livvy asks curiously, but I shush her so I can read it.



I'm sorry. So sorry.

For everything.

I was an idiot for letting you go and not chasing after you. I should've. You're worth chasing after. What Lauren had just told me blew my mind, and though it has nothing to do with you, I guess it does because everything I do affects you as long as you're in my life. I didn't realize that until you left me.

But I wasn't lying when I told Lauren I would never change. This is who I am, Amanda. Flaws and all. I have a lot of them. I'm a lot to deal with, I know this. But I want you to know I never, ever meant to hurt you. It kills me to know you're in pain over something I did. I wasn't lying when I said I was an asshole. I bet you're nodding your head and agreeing, aren't you? I can't blame you.

But I want to be better. Better for you.

I miss you.

I miss your laugh.

Your smile.

Your lips.

Your eyes.

Your hair.

Your body.

Your brain, because you're the smartest person I know.

Maybe you're not ready to have this conversation face to face yet, and that's okay, so for now I'm going to leave a note in your locker every single day until you're ready.

Love,

Jordan



My heart is cracking in two. I clutch the paper to my chest and breathe deep, closing my eyes, fighting the tears that are always right there, ready to fall. They're gone fast and I open my eyes to find Livvy staring at me, her head tilted and her lips pursed.

"You okay?"

I nod, too afraid to speak. I might babble like an incoherent idiot.

"Is the note from Jordan?"

I nod again and she smiles, though she's shaking her head.

"How many chances are you going to give him?"

I clear my throat. "As many I can handle."

Her shoulders slump. "Amanda."

I mimic her. "Olivia."

"I'm being serious. He's hurt you so many times already … "

"Yes, he's hurt me, but I don't think he can help it." I hope I'm not making excuses for his crappy behavior.

"You make too many excuses for him."

Oops, Livvy is a mind reader.

She sends me a stern look as I carefully fold the note and stash it in my backpack before shutting my locker. "I'm exercising tough love on you right now," she says. "And I hate to say this, but he probably doesn't deserve another chance. You're too good for him."