I closed my eyes again. I was still embarrassed. This was a high point in my career, but I felt awful.
I gave my makeup and hair one final appraisal before deciding they were fine. I practiced my celebratory smile but it looked off. I’d never been good at being phony.
The door opened and two first-year analysts walked in. I couldn’t wait any longer. It was showtime.
I walked out the door and Richard was waiting for me. “So how did it go?” he asked. His gray eyes were bolts of intensity. How on earth had he made it back from Jersey already?
I took a deep breath, put on my best fake smile, and held up the file. “The docs are signed. Deal’s closed. We got it.”
His hands shot up in triumph then came down awkwardly into a single clap. He looked torn whether or not to hug me but didn’t, instead taking the documents from my hand. I let them go willingly.
He quickly leafed through each of the required signatures as I shifted back and forth on my feet. “See, I told you we impressed him. Carl will be pleased. God I can smell the bonus already. Definite promotion.”
I nodded, smile still plastered on my face. The feelings stirring through my body weren’t fit for expression. More than anything, I was beginning to feel anger. This should be my breakthrough moment; I’d worked so hard for it. Instead, I was concerned about hiding my relations with Vincent from my employer so I wouldn’t get fired.
“You know, I was worried you were in there crying because something had gone wrong,” he said, his eyes fixed on the final signature. “I’m surprised he didn’t want me there for the signing. Did he say anything important?”
Before I could respond, a shrill voice came from our left. “Did I just hear we got Sorenson?”
I turned and saw the blonde curls and round face of Molly, another analyst. She had been at the company for five years and did good work, but hadn’t quite broken through yet. Her voice also carried in a way I didn’t think was possible before I’d met her. Not for the first time, I wondered if it could be heard on adjacent floors.
“Kristen and I locked it down today,” Richard said, holding up the documents.
“Wow, congrats!” She turned and waved her finger at me. “Now you better make sure you don’t let him take all the credit here. I saw you go to that meeting.” Molly worked under a different manager and had known Richard long enough that she could get away with such comments.
I barely trusted myself to speak but I had no choice. Still with my best fake grin, I shook my head. “I won’t.”
“Well I won’t stand for it if I hear you did.”
I nodded, wanting to put an end to the conversation. While we’d been talking, heads had been popping out of cubicles offering their congratulations. The rest of the work day passed in a blur of emails and catching up on other work. It seemed everyone was excited but me. How could I have let Vincent kiss me?
***
I walked into my apartment emotionally drained; I wanted to collapse on my bed and cry. Riley was sitting in the living room watching one of the housewives shows and eating noodles. She waved when she saw me come in and finished chewing.
“How did it go?” she asked excitedly. I’d texted her on the way to the meeting with Vincent for moral support, but had forgotten about following up afterward. There would definitely be missed messages on my phone when I looked at it.
“We got it,” I said wearily.
She screamed in delight, got up, and bounced over in her blue shorts and sorority t-shirt to hug me. I dropped my bag and reciprocated as best I could.
Riley seemed oblivious to my mood. “We have to go out and celebrate,” she said.
“I don’t know. I’m really tired.”
“Come on! This is the biggest moment of your career. I would kill to have something like this happen at my job.”
I looked at her and my shoulders slumped. “Sorry, I just need to wind down with a bath and fall asleep tonight. It was a really big day.”
She looked at me and frowned. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”
Maybe someone. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it yet, so I shook my head. “I’m just totally beat. Stressful day.”
I felt her gaze linger for a second longer but she moved on. “Okay. But we’re celebrating this weekend and I’m absolutely not taking no for an answer. We can try that new tapas place. Sangria!”
I smiled. “Sounds like a deal.”
Riley nodded and went to the fridge to get what was probably her seventh diet coke of the day. “So what actually happened in the meeting?”
I looked away. “It’s kind of a blur. We talked, and after a while he was satisfied and signed. It’s hard to remember the details.”