Shoving a bouquet of flowers out of the way, I lowered myself onto the ground. The grass was a little wet, and it seeped into my pants. But I didn’t care. I’d never been in a cemetery before. Never visited anyone’s grave. I knew my grandpa was buried in a cemetery in Sacramento. My mom used to make trips there to leave flowers on his grave, but I never wanted to join her. Even as a child I knew Grandpa wasn’t really in the ground. I’d like to believe he was in heaven, soaring above the clouds. The thought of him buried beneath the dirt with the worms and insects made my skin crawl. I couldn’t understand why Mom would subject herself to that mental image. Why she would go talk to a stone.
But now I understood.
It wasn’t like I thought Ryan was in the ground. Truth is, I had no idea where someone like Ryan went. Heaven seemed like a long shot, but I still wanted to picture him there. Regardless, this was where his physical body was. And being here made me feel closer to him somehow. I guess cemeteries aren’t really about the dead. They’re about the living.
They give us a place to find peace. To find closure.
Taking a deep breath, I read the tombstone. Read over Ryan’s stats. I’d always known his birthdate. It was the end date that caused my throat to constrict.
“I can’t believe you’re really gone, man,” I spoke into the air. It was still and quiet, not a soul in sight. Yet, I felt like I wasn’t alone. Like someone was listening. I hoped it was Ryan. “I’ve been kind of mad at you. I know it was technically Preston’s fault that you’re gone. But I keep thinking about how you treated him, man. And sometimes I think I understand why he did it.” I swallowed hard, embarrassed by what I was about to admit. “Sometimes I think you deserved it.” I ran a hand through my hair. “And then I feel like shit for thinking that. You were my best friend, Ry. But you could be a complete ass sometimes.” I grunted in frustration. “God, my emotions are all over the place. I don’t even know what I feel most of the time.” Pausing, I glanced down, my gaze catching on a football propped up against the headstone. Reaching out, I ran my fingers along the rippled leather. “But I do know I miss you.” I picked up the football and palmed it. “I wish I could toss the football with you one more time. Who’s gonna have my back now?”
“I will.”
Flinching, my head whipped in the direction of the voice. “Oh, hey, Riddles.”
“You called me Riddles.” He smiled, reminding me that I hadn’t called him that since Ryan died. But it felt appropriate now.
“Yeah, I did.” I lowered the ball back on the ground. “Have you come here before?”
Sawyer nodded. “Guess I’m just hoping for some peace.”
I pushed myself up to a standing position and dusted off my jeans. “I think we all are.”
“But I meant what I said, I’ve got your back, man.”
“Thanks.” I clamped my hand down on his shoulder. “And thanks for talking to Chloe. You really helped to smooth things over.”
“I’m glad.”
Nodding, I stepped past Sawyer. “I’ll give you some privacy.”
“He really didn’t deserve it,” Sawyer spoke softly. It made me wonder how much he’d heard.
“I know,” I said.
As I walked away from him, my gaze caught on the name written across a tombstone not far from Ryan’s. As if drawn by an unseen force, I moved toward it. There was only one sad bouquet of flowers on top, not nearly the display Ryan had. I read Preston’s name and stats, sadness filling me. I pictured his freckled face with glasses perched on his nose. Lifting my arm, I traced his name with the pads of my finger. “I’m sorry, Preston. Sorry for everything. I hope now you can find some peace.”
After walking out of the cemetery I roamed the streets nearby, not really sure where to go now. Talking to Ryan’s gravestone hadn’t exactly given me the peace I was searching for. Maybe it was a futile search. Maybe it was nowhere to be found. Still I walked. I strolled down Sutter Street in Old Town, peering into the brightly lit shops and restaurants. Stared at the happy people, laughing and chatting over drinks and food. Envy coursed through my veins, and I wondered if I’d ever feel that carefree again. Sure, I experienced moments. Like when Chloe and I were together. But even then Ryan’s death and my dad’s absence lingered at the fringes, just waiting to be noticed. Just waiting to be in the spotlight once again.
I passed a small diner, my gaze catching on a couple sitting near the window. Recognition slammed into me, fast and hard. So hard I almost fell over from the force of it. What the hell? All the pent up anger and frustration that had been building for weeks spilled out of me. Without bothering to weigh the consequences of my actions, I tore open the door to the diner and stalked inside.