“No,” he repeated, looking worried.
“Kisten, it’s going to be okay,” I said, almost pleading. I wished he would stand up so I could give him a proper kiss good-bye.
Hearing my misery, he smiled and stood. We moved to the door together, his scent rising from the armload of limp clothes in my hands. Wet from the bath, he had almost no scent at all. I hesitated at the door and shifted my splat-gun-heavy shoulder bag up onto my shoulder.
His arms went around me, and I exhaled, letting my entire body meld into him, relaxing and just taking him in. Under the smell of soap was the hint of incense, and my eyes closed as I encircled him, holding him tightly.
For a long moment, we stood there, and I wouldn’t let him go when he tried to rock back.
His eyes met mine, and his brow rose at my naked fear for him.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said, seeing my doubt.
“Kisten—”
And then he pulled me closer, angling his head to kiss me. I felt the hint of tears prickle as our lips met. My pulse jumped, not from lust but heartache. Kisten’s grip on me tightened, and my throat closed in misery. He was going to be okay. He had to be.
But in his kiss I could feel his fear through his tense muscles pressing against mine and his hold on me, a shade too tight. He said it was going to be okay, but he didn’t believe it. Though he said he wasn’t afraid to die, I could tell he was terrified of being helpless. And he was. A faceless stranger was going to try to end his life, and there would be no pity, no caring, no gentleness. Any sense of belonging or family, however warped, was going to be absent. Kisten would be less than a dog to whoever was coming. It would turn what might be a rite of passage into an ugly act of self-serving murder. It was not the way Kisten should die. But it was how he lived.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I pulled from him. Our lips parted, and I met his eyes, heavy with unshed tears. He didn’t believe. I was going to make him believe. I was going to prove him wrong.
“I have to go,” I whispered, and his hands fell from mine reluctantly.
“Hurry back,” he pleaded, and I dropped my head, unable to look at him. “I love you,” he said as I opened the door. “Never forget that.”
Almost in tears, I blinked fast. “I can’t. I won’t. I love you, too,” I said, then fled, slipping through the door and into the hall before I changed my mind.
I hardly remembered going down the cool stairs, dark from old paint and faded carpet. I looked up before I got into my car, seeing Kisten’s shadowy silhouette hovering by the filmy curtains. A shiver went through me, rattling my keys when I didn’t stifle it. I hadn’t known that the depth of control the undead had on their underlings was so strong that they would willingly submit to planned murder, and I again thanked God that I had never let any vampires, even Ivy, bind me to them. Though he was seemingly independent and confident, Kisten’s mental well-being hung upon the whim of someone who really didn’t give a damn. And now he had nothing. Except my trying to keep a faceless vampire from killing him for sport.
Never, I thought. I loved Kisten, but never would I let a vampire bind me. I’d die first.
THIRTY-TWO
The soothing scent of vampire and pixy sifted through the upper levels of my thoughts, skimming through the hazy dream state I was slowly pulling out of. I was warm and comfortable, and as my mind moved from sleep to awareness, I realized I was curled up in Ivy’s chair in the sanctuary with Jenks’s black silk shirt draped over me. I didn’t care to analyze my motives for falling asleep in Ivy’s chair. Maybe I just needed some comfort, knowing she was going through hell and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do about it.
Wait a moment. I’m sleeping in Ivy’s chair? That would mean I was…
“Jenks!” I shouted, realizing what had happened and jerking upright. I’d come home to wash Kisten’s clothes and had apparently fallen asleep, eight hours of spelled unconsciousness finally running thin. “Damn it, Jenks! Why didn’t you wake me up!”
God help me—Kisten. I had left him alone, then fallen asleep.
I jumped up to call Kisten on his cell, jolting to a surprised halt when my body protested at the sudden movement, aching from having slept in a chair. It was chilly, and I glanced at the mantel clock atop the TV in passing as I slipped my arms into coolness of Jenks’s shirt. My shoulders stretched painfully, hurting all the way to my lower back. I was fastening the first button as I entered the kitchen. It smelled like lilac in here, and candle wax, and the clock over the sink said the same thing.
Five-thirty? How could I have just fallen asleep? I hadn’t gotten much sleep yesterday, but zonking out for an entire night? I hadn’t made any charms or anything. Damn it, I was going to kill somebody if Kisten wasn’t all right.