I sucked my lip inside my mouth and gnawed on it, new tears burning like acid, pouring from the wells of my eyes and down my cheeks. “And you’ll never forgive any mistake I make.”
He closed his eyes for a good long time, took a deep breath, and when he opened them again, he looked into my eyes. But instead of replying, he turned the knob of the door. “Please move aside.”
I shook my head, refusing to accept what he was saying. “Wil,” I sobbed.
And for a split second, I saw it because he was looking directly at me. Pain streaked through his eyes. Then he blinked harshly and turned his head away.
I decided to chance it. What did I have to lose? I reached up and put my hand on his face, my fingertips brushing his scratchy face.
He jerked his head away from my touch. “Goodbye, Jenna,” he repeated in a low, trembling voice.
Slowly, quietly, I did as he asked, and he wasted no time before turning the knob. Then he opened the door and left the minute I was free of it.
I slid down the wall beside the doorjamb, curling into a ball, my face against my knees. I thought I had no tears left to cry. I was wrong.
Because even though I’d been prepared to throw everything away in my panic and fear earlier today, I was not prepared to lose this.
But ready or not, it was happening. And there was nothing more I could do.
Chapter 36
William
Walking away from her apartment is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It’s a piercing type of pain that starts in the middle of my chest and makes it hard to breathe. I feel like I’m being poked and prodded from within by sharp objects. It hurts…but that hurt, along with anger, burns like a fire.
And I couldn’t look at her anymore.
My friends stand in a cluster near the stairwell, but I don’t want to talk to any of them. I want to go home, to my orderly house and my comforting routine, where nothing is a surprise and everything happens as it should. There, I never have to rely on anyone else, and I’m never disappointed.
I can’t handle being disappointed again. Not like this. It hurts too much.
Casting a glance at the group, I note that they are tightly bunched together and talking in low voices. Except for the older woman who was with Jenna when we arrived. I have no idea who she is, and I don’t want to know.
I want to go home and forget about all of this—forget about her. I’ll use the visualization techniques that she taught me to visualize her right out of my mind. Out of my heart. Out of my life.
Passing them, I make my way down the stairs without stopping or even acknowledging anyone. My heart thumps, each beat hurting my chest a little more. I wonder if this is a symptom of the head wound. As I’m still feeling out of it from the medication, I grip the railing to make sure I don’t fall over.
Adam and Mia follow closely behind. They’ve let me know that they do not want me spending the night alone, but when I refused to go to their house, they invited themselves over to spend the night at mine instead. Worse, they’ll be driving me to the local hospital for another MRI in the morning.
Just what I need…as if this crappy situation wasn’t bad enough.
I’m tired and hurting, and I just want to go to sleep and forget about this day.
Yes, I won—but I lost, too. So, so much.
***
I’ve been forced to take time off from my job for the first three days of the week. Sometimes it’s a real disadvantage to work for your annoyingly overprotective—and bossy—cousin.
I spend my spare time at home completely overhauling my art studio and repairing my forge tools. It’s the perfect opportunity to hone my skills by working on the damaged practice armor.
I return to work on Thursday, but I don’t go to family dinner on Sunday. And ignoring the phone is easy to do, since I’ve turned it off completely. Jordan and Adam both check in with me at work, but I don’t meet Mia for our usual breakfast the following Wednesday morning, mostly because she has a lot of studying to do.
Routines have once again become my comfort. But they don’t help me forget. And though I continue going about my regular pre-Jenna routine, it hurts too much to attempt to forget her now.
It hurts too much to attempt anything.
I want to talk to her. I want to hear her voice. I want to feel her touch, smell her smell. I want to lie beside her, our skin touching while I listen to her breathe.
And it’s driving me insane. Because I don’t want to want her as much as I do. I want these feelings to go away. I want things to go back to how they were before it hurt so much.
So I occupy myself with every mundane task that needs to be accomplished. Adhering strictly to my schedule, I keep myself so busy that I hardly have any time to let my mind wander to thoughts that I can’t control.