I’d started enjoying him.
And I wasn’t ready for this to be over.
It was a tense drive home. William said absolutely nothing. With each passing mile, I felt more and more miserable. He stopped at my curb and kept the engine idling, not even looking at me.
I turned to him and put my hand on his arm. “Wil.”
He yanked it out of my hold. “I’ll see you at the Festival, Jenna. In the meantime, I wish you well.”
My throat closed up with hurt. I would not lose it in front of him. But I couldn’t just open the door and leave, either. “You’re just like that Hanged Man, you know. That was the perfect card for you.”
He scowled. “I told you I don’t believe in that Tarot stuff.”
“The Hanged Man is in stasis, and so are you. You’re held back by your anger toward your mother. You let that be the tree you hang yourself on.”
He was silent as he gripped the wheel tightly. And me, I was about to burst into tears again. So rather than let him see them, I scooted out of the car as fast as I could.
I managed to contain my emotions as I climbed up the stairs and even during my passing conversation with my roomie, who was in the middle of watching The Walking Dead. Then I slinked into my bedroom, dressed for bed and sobbed myself to sleep when I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
Sometimes a good cry was cathartic, calming. But this wasn’t. Into the gaping hole that had just been torn into my heart, the salty tears flowed, only increased the sting instead of lessening it.
***
“What’s going on, Jenna? You seem so out of it this week,” Alex said to me. It was a few nights before I was to leave for the Beltane Festival, and yeah, ‘out of it’ might have been a good way to describe how I felt. Off-kilter was another one.
I missed William terribly. Since we’d started hanging out together, I’d spent a week without seeing him, but never without texting or a short conversation on the phone. This felt worse than a breakup—at least those breakups that I’d cared about, anyway.
And the more I thought about his words, the more I started to wonder about this flaw in myself. Specifically, whether I’d hurt other people because of my own shortcomings. My own fears.
Fears I’d hidden behind my beliefs.
And speaking of hurting people…I gave my notice at the Refugee Support Center, choking up when I saw the look on my boss’s face. Shock. Disappointment. Sadness. But in the end, she wished me well.
So yeah…I was out of it. I had reasons.
I shrugged at Alex, picking at my food. Reheated leftover spaghetti, along with ramen noodles, had become a staple of my diet.
“Are you nervous about the duel?” Her forehead creased. “Do you think William will lose the tiara?”
I shook my head. “I think he’ll win. He’s worked very hard.”
“Then smile!”
I put my fork down and stared at my plate, blinking back sudden tears as my hands shook. “What am I doing, Alex? Where am I going?”
She slapped her textbook closed—unlike me, she was actually doing homework—and set down her pencil. “Sounds like you need to hit the advice booth.”
Our little joke. Alex liked to counsel people and give them advice. My friends and I had started hinting that she should have a booth, complete with a tin can for change like Lucy from the Peanuts comic strip.
“Talk to me,” she said when I looked up.
“I don’t know…I just don’t… Up until last week, I was so sure of what I wanted.”
Alex’s dark brows rose. “But you’re not anymore?”
I knew Alex would never say she told me so. It just wasn’t in her DNA. So I didn’t fear sharing this change of heart with her. Leaning forward, I massaged my forehead with my hand. “I’m so confused.”
“The rest of the population our age is confused most of the time. It’s okay. No one knows all the answers.”
I sighed. “I was trying to be more excited about this move, but—”
“But the reality of what it will mean to leave everyone has sunk in?”
“I…” My gaze drifted away as I thought about what she’d said. Then I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Jenna, my abuelita had a saying. She said that the oak tree has the deepest and strongest roots, and that when the Santa Ana winds blow, those live oak trees are the hardest to blow over. On the other hand, the eucalyptus trees that grow all over the place around here…you know, those really, really tall ones? They’re always in danger of getting blown over by the very same winds, and that’s because their roots are shallow.”
I played with the food on my plate, listening intently.