“Is everyone plugged in?”
Murmurs. Head bobbing.
“Now, insert your earphones into your ears in a comfortable position.”
I stuck a bud in each ear and winced. Hard plastic. Odd shape. Uncomfortable fit. This should go over well. I sidled a glance at Bernice who was so entangled in audio wire, she looked like the poster child for self-strangulation. As I helped her sort through the jumble of cords, Rob’s voice suddenly erupted inside my head. “TESTING … ONE, TWO—”
YOW!
I hit my volume control and dialed it back to a level that wouldn’t cause my brain to explode.
“Are we supposed to be hearing something?” Woody called out.
Rob’s breath hissed softly in my ears. “Can you hear me now?”
“Why can’t I hear anything?” asked Woody.
“I hear a philharmonic orchestra,” enthused a nearby guest.
“Ride of the Valkyries?” asked her friend.
“You hear it, too?”
“It’s my cell phone.”
Cal sprinted over to his dad. “Have you turned your volume up?”
“How do I do that?”
Cal made the adjustment.
“Testing … one, two, three,” said Rob.
“YOW!” cried Woody.
“Do these receivers put us at risk of being electrocuted?” a woman fretted.
“Only if you’re struck by lightning while you’re wearing one,” teased Rob.
“Is that a yes or a no?” she huffed.
“Sorry,” Rob apologized. “To clarify, you cannot be electrocuted by your receivers. You can stand waist deep in water, and nothing, I repeat, nothing will happen other than you’ll get really wet.”
“Why do they look like garage door openers?” questioned a man in the back. “Will they actually open garage doors?”
“What about reproductive health?” asked one of Woody’s cohorts. “Can wearing one of these things decrease our sperm count?”
“Uhhhh …”
“Is medical research going to find out years from now that these receivers cause cancer?” queried a man near the front.
“How come these things don’t have touchscreens?”
“Can we take photos with them?”
I smiled broadly, tickled I wasn’t the one having to field their questions.
“My receiver’s a dud,” bellowed Bernice.
“Are you tuned in to channel four?” asked Rob.
“Yup.”
“Is your volume turned up?”
“Yup.”
“And you can’t hear my voice?”
“Not through your stupid earphones, I can’t.”
I looked over her equipment, finding the problem immediately. “Okay, Bernice. Here’s the thing. In order to hear anything through your earphones, you actually have to insert them in your ears.”