Jackie shot a puzzled look across the table at Bobbi. “I thought you said there was no seat saving.”
“There isn’t. And if that gal had read through the booklet they left in her cabin, she’d know it, too.”
“I’ve failed to read any policy that prohibits guests from saving seats,” rasped Victor as he motioned for Jackie and me to sit down. He was without his oxygen pack tonight, so his breathing sounded a little more forced.
“You have no credibility,” scoffed Virginia. “You forgot to pack your reading glasses. You can’t read anything.” She turned in her chair to scan the room. “Where’s the sommelier?”
“The what?” asked Woody, who had somehow ended up at our table rather than at his son Cal’s.
“The sum-el-yay,” she repeated in three drawn-out syllables. “The wine steward.”
“Well, would you listen to those French words fallin’ out of your mouth?” gushed Dawna. “You sound just like a native. Victor never mentioned you could speak two whole languages. I am so impressed.”
“Don’t be.” Virginia fixed her with an imperious stare. “Sommelier isn’t a French word; it’s English. Perhaps instead of a new-and-improved retractable lip liner, you should think about buying yourself a thesaurus.”
Confusion clouded Dawna’s eyes, chased away by a sudden peal of laughter. “You are such a tease,” she scolded. “Go buy myself a thesaurus. You know very well those creatures have been extinct for at least two thousand years.”
Gee, Victor’s wife might not be the easiest person to warm up to, but I was really beginning to like her.
Virginia angled a meaningful look at her husband. “However do you manage to keep the company afloat? Creative bookkeeping?”
“Leave her alone, my pet. The day Mona Michelle expands into the dictionary business will be the day I listen to your complaint.”
Woody cast admiring looks around the table as he shook out his napkin. “I’ve lived a lot of years, ladies. More than I’ll ever admit to. But I have to confess, I can’t remember a time in my life when I’ve had the pleasure of being surrounded by so many beautiful women all at the same time. I feel like I’ve died and gone to heaven.”
“Aw, aren’t you just the sweetest man?” bubbled Krystal, rewarding him with a thousand-watt smile enhanced by flirtatious eye movements.
“And while I’m on the subject of dying, have any of you lovely ladies ever stopped to realize that your next meal might be your last?”
I dropped my head to my chest. Not again.
Dawna gasped. “The ship’s run out of food?”
“No, no. I’m sure the ship’s not going to run out of anything. But the question you should be asking yourselves is … have you run out of time on our lovely planet? You need to be prepared for the end, ladies, and it’s never too soon to start, which is why it’s so important for you to think about advanced funeral planning.”
Bobbi gaped at Woody, her mouth sagging open. “You’re jokin’, aren’t you, sugah?”
“Advanced planning is no joke,” cautioned Woody. “In fact, with the cost of living on the rise, it makes good financial sense to pre-pay your funeral in today’s dollars rather than the inflated currency of tomorrow. We have payment plans to fit every budget, including a rather generous layaway plan where a client can—”
“Mr. Jolly,” Victor interrupted, “I applaud your efforts to advertise your product. Being a businessman myself, I understand it behooves us to look at every situation as a marketing opportunity, but if you persist in hijacking the conversation to push your business model, I’ll have you removed from this table. Do I make myself clear?”