Horror seizes me, cold and all-consuming. “What did you do?”
“What needed to be done. He’ll never stand trial for what he did, never get the chance to walk away from it.”
I don’t want to believe what he’s telling me. “Then why all the safeguards? Why didn’t you just let the ACW have him?”
The look he gives me is pure magic, dark and mystical and filled with unimaginable power. “And give them even a small modicum of peace of mind? Not going to happen.”
I think of all the magic I know of, and all the magic I still don’t understand. There are spells to do what Declan is suggesting—slow, insidious things that creep through the bloodstream and destroy a person from the inside out. I don’t know how they work, have never given them much thought before as they are dark magic. Not black magic, not blood magic, but almost.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise. I’ve known Declan walks the thin and shadowy line between white and black magic. But this, what he’s talking about, is so close to stepping over that line that it might as well not exist.
My stomach cramps and for a second I’m certain that I’m going to puke. Panic, fear, even disgust well up inside me as I think about what he’s done, what he will continue to do.
I don’t want this.
Don’t want to know this dark and driven side of Declan.
Don’t want to understand the things he’s willing to do and the lines he’s willing to cross because of the shadowy rules he lives by.
“They’ve spent centuries fucking around with me, and that’s fine. I’m used to it. But they will never touch you again.” The words ring with conviction even though they’re devoid of emotion. Or maybe because of it.
A hot and angry Declan is dangerous. A cold, emotionless one is terrifying. Not to mention deadly.
“You can’t go up against the Council on your own.”
He can’t pit himself against the ACW; he just can’t. Declan is powerful—terrifyingly so—but what he’s talking about is suicide, even for him.
“Declan, I’m serious. That’s treason. They’ll kill you—if you’re lucky—and hold you up as an example for every witch, wizard and warlock in existence of what happens to people who cross the ACW.”
“For that to happen, there would have to be some Council members left alive. I’m not planning on that being the case.”
Dear sweet goddess. “You think you can kill them all?”
“I’m going to kill them all.”
“That’s crazy, Declan! Even you aren’t strong enough for that. Once they figure out what you’re going to do, they’ll do whatever it takes to stop you.”
“It’s not like I’m planning on sending them an engraved invitation to their deaths, Xandra.”
I start to answer, but the words get stuck. I clear my throat, then try again. “It’s not up to you to avenge me. Besides, I’m alive. I’m whole.”
“But that’s it. You’ll never be whole again, at least not in the way you were. And it kills me, Xandra. It kills me that that bastard got so close to you. That you suffered the way you did.”
“You saved me, Declan.”
“Too late! I got to you too late. You saved yourself.”
With help from him, but maybe he doesn’t see it that way. “Does that bother you?”
“Are you kidding me? I’m so damn proud of you, some days I can barely see straight. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have to pay.”
“That isn’t what I want, Declan. Declaring war on the ACW. Taking them all down in some twisted sort of vengeance for me. That kind of darkness isn’t what I need from you.”
“Maybe it isn’t. But I can’t change who I am, Xandra, not even for you. Letting me do this, understanding that I have to do this, is what I need from you. Because I can’t live in a world where a threat like that exists for you. Where they can decide, at any moment, that you’re expendable. That I can’t do.”
He lowers his head then, presses his lips against mine. And I respond. I can’t not respond.
Because there’s something heady about being cared for the way he cares for me. And I need him more with each day and minute and second that passes.
But when his hand comes up to cup my breast, his thumb teasing gently over my nipple, I force myself to pull back. To look him in the eye and stand my ground. “Murder is wrong, Declan. No matter the reason. You have to know that.”
“You say that because you’re a princess of Ipswitch. You’ve been protected your whole life.”
I laugh bitterly, gesturing to the bruises that cover so much of my body. “Does this look to you like I’m protected?”