His face went hard.
“I’m not doin’ to you what your motherfucker of a father is doin’ to your mother,” he growled.
“It’s not the same but it’s still heartbreak,” I returned and, just as quickly as it came, the hardness washed out of his features.
“Do not do this, Lanie.”
“It’s already done. It was done when you got off your bike, walked into your house and broke my heart. Just like my father. You didn’t even have it in you to do it up close and personal.”
He grabbed my arm but, with a savage twist, I pulled away and took two steps back.
“It was good you shielded your kids from what we might have been, Hop. I’ll miss them but they won’t miss me.”
“Jesus, fuck, babe, I’m beggin’ you, come inside.”
“Good-bye, Hop.”
“Baby—”
I turned and ran.
He turned and ran into his house.
He didn’t have his keys.
This was good.
This meant I got a head start and when I hit a motel parking lot, Hop had no idea where I was.
It was only when I was sitting cross-legged on the ratty bedspread did I allow myself to burst into tears.
* * *
Two days later…
I sat on my couch, twisted toward Tyra to my left, lifting a bent leg just like hers to rest it on the couch and I sucked back some wine.
Since I gave her the wineglass before I sat down, she’d already had her sip, so when I took my glass from my lips, she was prepared to launch in.
“I don’t blame you.”
I closed my eyes.
“Lanie, honey, look at me.”
I opened my eyes.
She leaned toward me and wrapped her fingers around my thigh. “I don’t blame you for me getting stabbed.”
“I know,” I whispered something I did know but had been denying for insane reasons until that moment I wouldn’t allow myself to get. Understandable fear after what happened that led to irrational guilt that no one gave me any indication I should feel. I just fed off it, or more to the point, let my monster feed on it in a vain and crazy attempt to keep myself safe from ever being hurt again.
“I hope so,” she told me. “Since I told you way back when that I didn’t.”
I drew in breath then confided, “I hear it over and over again in my head.”
Her head tipped to the side and she scooted closer. “You hear what in your head?”
“Our conversation. You telling me to end it with Elliott. You advising me that his getting us kidnapped was a concrete wall you can’t scale when it comes to love. Me telling you—”
“Stop it,” she interrupted, squeezing my thigh.
“I think that’s it, sweetie. I think that was why I couldn’t forgive myself even though you and Tack never blamed me. I think it’s because I play that conversation over and over in my head and it reminds me there was something that needed to be forgiven,” I admitted.
“Honey, you didn’t kidnap and stab me and you have to find some way to get that straight. I don’t know how to stop you playing that conversation in your head,” she stated. “I just know, together, Lanie, we have to find a way to do that.”
I took a sip of wine, my way of being noncommittal. I couldn’t tell her we could do that, since I hadn’t been able to do it for seven years. With this, I’d taken a big step. Who knew how long it would take me to get to the next one.
The day after the break with Hop, I’d called her and told her I was ready to do this. Not surprisingly, she’d told me to tell her when and where and she’d be there.
I gave her the when and where and last night, sleeping at home again, I waited for Hop to show or call.
He didn’t.
It was over.
That killed but I’d survived worse (I told myself) so now it was time to move on with my life. Do this. Fight the monster myself without Hop at my back.
And hope I won.
“I think this all might have to do with, uh… well, me getting you hurt, feeling guilt about it since you told me to dump Eli but also, mostly, that whole thing,” I waved my hand around, sloshing the wine I held dangerously, so I righted it and finished, “in Kansas City.”
“Do you think you need to talk to a professional?” she asked.
I put the wine to my lips, murmuring, “Maybe,” before I took a drink.
Her next question was voiced with hesitancy. “Do you want to talk about Kansas City?”
I didn’t.
Even so, I looked her straight in the eye and declared, “He used me as a shield.”
“I know,” she said so low I could barely here her.
“You know and you knew,” I stated and her head gave a slight jerk of confusion.