“Don’t leave.” Paul slipped a hand under Danny’s back to hold him closer. Danny’s skin was cool against his, but Paul knew he’d be considerably colder alone in the bed. More than that, he enjoyed lying there with him. It reminded him of being tangled up with Eve after sex. The lazy feeling always let him taste the man he would have been if his childhood hadn’t fucked him up. Happy and content, with someone he trusted completely, Paul could pretend he had no problem letting another person love him without tensing up and feeling as if he might throw up. Telling himself he’d be stronger later, he breathed against Danny’s collarbone, “Stay with me… Please.”
Danny ceased his struggles, taking a shuddering breath as his head fell back heavily against the pillow. “Shit.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, knowing he was hurting Danny. “I know I’m fucked up.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Danny’s fingers found their way into the hair at the nape of Paul’s neck. “Most of the people on this planet are fucked up in one way or another, you just do it better than most of ’em. What’s new?”
Paul laughed, feeling his heart swell in adoration for Danny. It would be nice to find a happily-ever-after with him. His chest hurt when he realized how truly impossible it was for them. “I wish I could be normal for you.”
Danny was silent for a moment before his fingers tightened in Paul’s hair. He tugged Paul’s head back, studying his face with hunger shining in his dark eyes. “You remember when you said some people like you for being different?”
“Yes,” he said, knowing his voice was soft without making a conscious effort to do it. “But you don’t—”
“I’m one of those people. I was just scared of being me. I’m still scared.”
Paul raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Really?”
“Yeah,” Danny said, as if confessing a dark secret. “I’m just—” He swallowed hard, looking away from Paul. “A total control freak, worse than my father could ever be. When I first started fucking guys, I tried being a bottom.”
Paul pulled a face. “I don’t want to hear about that.”
“There’s nothing to tell.” Danny laughed at Paul still looking down at him in horror. “I tried telling myself it was only fair. I’d never have a real relationship if I couldn’t learn to give and take a little, you know? But Christ, some guy on top of me, fucking me…” Danny shuddered. “No way. Every time I tried it, I froze. Then I got angry. I wanted to punish them for even thinking about trying to own me like that.”
Paul licked his lips, looking down at Danny as the warm feeling of being enthralled rolled over him. “Did you?”
“Did I what?”
“Punish them?”
“Not in the way you’re accustomed to, no.”
“What’d you do?”
Danny shrugged, avoiding Paul’s eyes again. “I fucked them instead and I wasn’t exactly gentle about it.”
“Did they enjoy it?” Paul asked curiously.
“Of course they enjoyed it,” Danny said, looking insulted. “I was angry, but I was still good. I’m always good.”
“Then what’s wrong with that?”
Danny gave him a look and spoke slowly. “I’m an asshole, Paul Guy.”
“Sometimes,” Paul agreed, letting his gaze run over Danny’s handsome face, seeing he hadn’t shaved in a long time and had dark circles of exhaustion under his eyes. “But there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re just different. There are people out there who would like you for being you. Love it even.”
Danny quirked an eyebrow as a smile tugged at his lips. “Know anyone like that?”
“I do, actually,” Paul said, feeling his heart hurt all over again as he looked away. “But he’s not good for you. This stupid fever is fucking up my thinking. Just tell me where the Tylenol is and I’ll take some.”
“I’m flattered,” Danny said, actually laughing at Paul. “But I don’t need you to decide what’s good for me or not and I wouldn’t exactly call you an authority on that subject in the first place.”
Paul felt his cheeks flame in a way that had nothing to do with the fever. “I hurt you.”
“I think we’re pretty even in that regard,” Danny said, his voice suddenly sharp. “And to be honest, if we never talk about it again I’d be okay with that.”
“Okay,” Paul said, more than happy to agree. “The fight never happened. I wouldn’t mind forgetting a few things myself.”