Taking advantage of something that clearly made Paul extremely vulnerable, more so indulging in things Danny didn’t want to admit he enjoyed, was tearing him up inside because he knew Paul was right. He could be the man he wanted, could hurt him and probably get off on it—and that was what he was hiding from.
He didn’t want to be that person. He certainly didn’t want to turn into one willing to damage something so ethereally gorgeous just to hold Paul close. Danny had wanted him for as long as he could remember, had watched from a distance and hoped and prayed for a chance at tasting the divine. Now here Paul was, naked and sated in Danny’s bed, and the only thought he had about it was that God had to be a twisted bastard.
Danny’s face scrunched up in agony, because he knew he was going to have to push Paul away. Even if he could be the man he wanted, he didn’t want to be.
He refused to hurt the person he loved. He was not going to look in the mirror and see the regret he knew so well from his father’s face when the morning brought the gift of coherent thinking. Just because Danny was addicted to Paul instead of booze,didn’t make it okay.
He couldn’t be his father. Even for Paul.
He put out his cigarette, and then reached over, stroking the curve of Paul’s jaw, his thumb brushing against Paul’s cheek until brilliant-blue eyes blinked at him.
A slow, lazy smile curved at Paul’s full lips. “What’s up?”
“We gotta talk,” Danny said with a wince, feeling the sting of tears as Paul became fuzzy around the edges.
Paul studied him, the haziness of sleep leaving his gaze. Danny could see the recognition flash over his beautiful features. Paul rolled onto his back, rubbing a hand over his face, completely heedless of being naked in a way Danny found extremely appealing.
“I really don’t wanna have this talk,” Paul finally whispered into the semi-darkness of the room before he turned back to Danny, giving him a soft look and a seductive smile. “Can’t we do something else?”
Danny sighed, everything in him wanting to agree, but he shook his head sadly. “No, you can’t keep distracting me. That’s not cool.”
Paul rolled his eyes, staring at the ceiling of Danny’s bedroom. “What? You wanna talk about our feelings?”
“Sorta, yeah,” Danny said, ignoring the sharp edge to Paul’s voice, knowing he was hiding from reality by channeling his father. “You know this isn’t healthy. Wanting me to hurt you? That’s not normal.”
“Oh my God.” Paul jumped to his feet with a strange agility for a man his size. He walked naked into the living room, careless of Danny following him as he searched for his clothes strewn over the floor.
“Have you ever considered therapy?” Danny asked, watching Paul pull on his underwear and jeans in sharp, jerky motions. “Your childhood obviously did this to you. There’s got to be a better way to cope with it. I could help you.”
“If you’re so into therapy, you go for it, Danny Boy.” Paul searched in his pocket, pulling out Danny’s car keys instead of his own. He looked down at the keychain as if only then remembering his truck was back at Arty’s. “Shit.”
“You’re not going anywhere until we talk about this.”
Paul groaned, looking to the ceiling once more. “Look, my childhood sucked. I can’t argue that. But I promise you, I don’t need therapy. I’m fine.”
Danny shook his head. “You’re not fine, Paul Guy. I don’t think you’re fine at all. I think you have some serious issues.”
“I know I’m different, okay?” Paul gave Danny an imploring look, making it obvious this was the last conversation he wanted to have. “But it’s who I am and some people like me being different. I thought you were one of those people, but maybe you’re not and it’s cool. Just please don’t preach at me about it.”
“I like you for who you are,” Danny said, panicking over being misunderstood.
“Then why are you giving me shit about it?” Paul snapped. “I’m not judging you for liking guys. I don’t give a fuck if you’re bi. You could have told me a long time ago. I would have been cool with it.”
“Well, duh,” Danny said with a barking laugh. “You’ve obviously got tendencies.”
Paul pulled back. “I don’t have tendencies.”
“You’re joking, right?” Danny stared at Paul in shock. “I’ve been fucking you for two days and you haven’t exactly been complaining about it.”
“So what?” Paul asked, his laugh mirthless. “You think we’re boyfriends now?”