The team kept their victories going and Declan tried to keep his mind on school as the weeks passed. He’d tried to talk to Mallory a few times since she’d left the hospital but it was always awkward and hard. She wasn’t ready to move on but Mallory wouldn’t let her grief set in with him yet. She was trying to be strong and he begged at the end of the last conversation to just feel something about this. They ended up in an argument and Declan had thrown his phone across the room before he took off to the bar for a few drinks.
He didn’t see Mallory at school and the rumor was that she was taking a break for a while. Though her injuries weren’t nearly as serious as they could have been, Mallory had some healing to still do inside and out. He spoke with Rayna when he saw her and also kept in touch with Mary to know what was going on.
Mallory was healing as she should be physically after a couple of months, but he had been told that she wasn’t sleeping well at night and still traumatized from the stillbirth. Mary was doing her best to get Mallory to see someone to talk to but was meeting a lot of resistance along the way. It sounded like she just slept through the day, though restlessly and claimed that she was recovering when Mary tried to force her up to do anything. The pained look on Rayna’s face whenever they ran into each other at school ripped him apart and Declan found himself needing to escape the pain that he wasn’t allowing himself to give into. He knew that his grandparents were there to support him but he’d never showed weakness to them before and he wouldn’t now.
The bar became a regular routine for him when he wasn’t studying or playing and Declan found solace in the alcohol. He had been a regular there before and it was easy to slip back into the old routine with those friends. They were separate from school and even Mallory since she hadn’t really been there a lot. Bars weren’t her scene and Declan had traded it for restaurants and dates happily as he settled into the relationship.
Now he was alone and the whiskey was flowing as the music played loudly over the speakers. Declan laughed as he bent over to shoot a pool ball into the corner pocket, careful not to fall on the ground. “Fuck, I’m wasted.” Nights were long and lonely and he filled the time there so he wouldn’t think too much about things. Merry moved beside him as he shot and missed and he stumbled against her. “Sorry.”
“It’s nice to see you back around.” He looked into her pretty face and squinted his eyes to see her better, but she’d never be Mallory. Even still, they’d had a good enough little fling well before he’d met Mallory and his mind started to wander slowly as he took in her deep blue eyes and long brown hair.
“I don’t want to be home.” That was all he ever said about things and everyone had learned to not ask or talk about the rumors that had been all over the bar. He watched as she covered the rough skin of his hand with her own pale soft one and looked down.
“I am so sorry for what happened.” She seemed sincere as far as her low voice but the way she was caressing his arm made him pull away uncomfortably. He hadn’t slept with anyone since Mallory but his body was craving sex much more than his heart. Jacking off alone wasn’t satisfying him and he only ended up feeling a lot lonelier at the end of the day.
“Thanks.” Declan told her shortly as he turned to walk towards the bar. He knew Merry’s body well and she could make him feel good, if only for a night. She’d fuck and leave without a problem since he couldn’t stand the idea of someone sleeping in what he considered Mallory’s spot in his bed. He was so torn as he checked his phone and ordered another drink. There was just a text from Rory to see what he was up to and he slipped it back into the pocket of his worn jeans. Declan knew that his friend was worried about him but he was fine.
At least on the outside, he was fine. He missed Mallory more than he ever thought was possible apart from the feelings he’d had for his parents when they’d been so distant with him. That had ripped him apart as a child and Declan had vowed to never let anyone in again after that, until Mallory. She had gotten to every part of him and his body physically ached for her as his heart broke all over again.
He headed home alone that night after he’d summoned a cab with his phone despite Merry’s heavy eyes across the bar. Keagan had given up telling her to leave Declan alone since it had been a few months and he was a grown man. He’d do what he wanted to do but Keagan had seen their fallout and it was rough. Meredith could get jealous and bitchy once she had a man in her grips. Declan unlocked his door and walked inside to just look around the empty rooms as he missed Mallory’s laughter and her warmth in the house. It was so empty now and he just grabbed some water from the kitchen and headed right to his room to go to bed for a few hours. Declan stripped before he slipped under the messy covers and loosened his growing hair from the band.
There was a faint scent of her still in the room and he rolled to that side to inhale deeply as he pushed away the voice telling him to wash the damn sheets. He didn’t want to. It was all that he had of her in his life and Declan wrapped his arms around Mallory’s old pillow and started to cry. God, he missed her.
The next day was rough and Rory eyed him as he took a seat in their shared English class. “Late night?”
“Yeah, I had a few drinks at the bar.” Declan replied while he grabbed the coffee cup he’d brought with him. He took a long sip and appreciated the liquid heat down his throat. Coffee had become a necessity more than ever now along with a new energy drink that he’d found that was lower calorie and full of healthy vitamins. “How about you?”
“I was studying with Deb,” Rory replied as Declan frowned slowly at the tone in his voice. “Are you ready for the test today?”
“Yeah, mostly. It should be easy enough.” Declan shot a look at his best friend with a small smile. “School and rugby are two things that I am serious about.” That was it now. He just kept up with Mallory through updates from Mary and Rayna and lived with that, relieved that she was finally seeing a therapist and dealing with her grief.
He was noticing how the girls were looking at him more and more at school and his willpower was fading. He’d been on his own for several months now with no contact and Declan was used to regular sex before he’d gotten in a relationship. There were no signs of Mallory coming back so would it be so wrong? Maybe she was doing the same though the idea of her with another man after all that they had shared killed him. No. She was just getting better for herself and they’d be together again soon.
Until then, he knew that he was getting weaker.
Declan decided to hang out with Rory and Deb one weekend and they met at the restaurant where he’d taken Mallory on their first date. Brittany took them to the table and offered him a seductive look when she realized that he was alone and it only reminded him of Mallory. He made it through the meal since this was Deb’s favorite place and it happened to be close to the bar they were going to afterward. There was a band playing and Declan thought that might be a nice change of pace from whiskey filled nights at his own personal haunt. He ordered a beer with dinner and leaned back as he forced the memories of Mallory out of his mind as they ordered appetizers.
The conversation was upbeat over dinner since Rory’s girlfriend was such a happy girl. She brightened any room. Declan knew that she was insanely worried about him but he always made sure to assure her that he was doing fine. He just needed time.
Rory noticed Brittany lingering around the table at the end of the meal as she chatted with them and Declan felt his eyes on him as she stared at him with heavy eyes. They both realized that she knew their plans for the night and Declan finished his beer before he stood up to leave. He told Brittany goodbye and his eyes slipped down her body as she turned with the money as pain flooded him.
“Are you moving on?” Rory asked him in a low voice as they followed Deb through the noisy restaurant.
“I don’t know. It’s been four months, Rory. I need to do…something.” That was forever to a guy like Declan and Rory whistled as he shook his head.
“You’ve held out and done the right thing. I can see that.” Rory agreed as the guys shared a look. “It’s not replacing her, Deck. Nothing ever will.” His eyes moved to his own girlfriend as he spoke and De clan felt envy spike through his heart. He’d had that at one time with so much promise.
The bar was filling up when they walked in and Declan took a look around as they went to get some drinks. There was a good mix of men and women and some of the girls were pretty hot. He’d heard enough gushing about his hair lately to know that it attracted women all of the time and he slid his hands through it tonight painfully as he tried to keep his hands from shaking. He could do this.
They drank a few beers before the band came on and Declan slipped in a few shots of his favorite whiskey to numb his pain when he could. He wasn’t driving home since Deb was their driver and wanted the guys to have some fun. She was happily sipping a soda as she talked to a few friends around the bar while Rory and Declan looked on with wide grins. The crowd screamed as the popular local band took the stage and Declan sipped a fresh beer as he took in the heavy beat of the drums and the guitar that kicked in after. He was feeling no pain and he moved a little with the crowd around him while Rory joined Deb and wrapped his arms around her.