Filthy Beautiful Forever(39)
I wipe shakily at a tear streaming down my face. “I’m sorry, Collins.”
He tilts my chin up and meets my eyes. “Why are you sorry?”
“I shouldn’t have come,” I murmur, wiping at another stray tear that’s escaped.
“Why not?” His tone is whisper soft, and his expression is full of concern and tenderness.
“Because,” I manage, sucking in a breath, “I charged into your perfect life and ruined everything for you and Tatianna. It’s not your job to rescue me.”
Bringing both hands to my face, his warm palms cup my cheeks and he wipes away the last of my tears. “You haven’t ruined anything. Come sit down and let me explain some things to you.”
“Okay,” I agree, my heart aching and my head spinning with unanswered questions.
Chapter Nineteen
Collins
I guide Mia into the adjoining family room, my fingertips at her lower back. I have no idea what caused her to break down, and I don’t handle crying females very well. I never have. Maybe it’s the result of growing up with two brothers. Maybe it’s the result of being with Tatianna, who rarely showed her emotions.
We sit down on the sofa, and she curls her legs underneath her on the cushion, bracing for whatever I’m about to tell her.
I huff out a sigh and contemplate how to begin. “You didn’t ruin anything between me and Tatianna. Things had been deteriorating for a long time.” I don’t tell her that I’d lost my ability to orgasm with her or that I hated the lack of concern and interest she showed in my life. “The breakup was overdue. You being here might have actually prolonged it.”
“What?” She blinks at me, waiting for me to continue. She assumed that her presence sped up my demise with Tatianna when in fact it was the opposite.
“When you showed up here, a thousand emotions I hadn’t felt in fifteen years raced through me. Emotions I didn’t have time for, or frankly want to feel. My life was easy. My company was my focus, and I had my brothers to lean on for support. Tatianna was…” Shit, this is going to sound harsh. “She was here for my physical pleasure.”
Mia flinches like someone backhanded her.
I reach for her hand and she lets me take it, but it’s limp and lifeless in my own.
“These last several weeks even that wasn’t working between us,” I admit.
Her eyebrows pinch together. “What do you mean?”
“I haven’t slept with Tatianna since you arrived. And even before that, I’m embarrassed to say… Well, let’s just say, my body knew something my head didn’t.”
“Okay…” She draws out the word, her eyes searching mine for understanding.
I’m not making any sense, and I know that. I take a deep breath and prepare to start over.
“Then why did you stay with her?” Mia interrupts.
“If I was single, I’d have no excuse not to pursue you. The idea of you and I both single and under one roof scared me.”
She chews on her lip, looking unsure. “So, you don’t want me here. I get it, Coll. I’ll take my old job and move on.”
Shaking my head, I tug her hand into my lap and grip my fingers between hers, like that will somehow show her how I feel. “Let me finish.”
She waits, watching me, hardly breathing while I search for the right words.
“When you showed up here and reminded me of a promise I made when I was ten years old, it scared the shit out of me. I used my relationship, as damaged as it was, as a buffer to avoid my real feelings. But I can’t do that any longer. I have no idea what the future holds, and I need to take this one day at a time, but I want more.”
“More?” she asks, her tone guarded.
“Yes. More. I don’t know what that means, and I can’t have this marriage promise hanging over our heads. We’re friends first. And whatever happens between us, I’m not willing to lose you as a friend. I need you to understand that before things go any further.”
“I understand.” She takes a moment, her eyes wide, watching me. “So you don’t want me to leave?” she asks, her voice small.
“Of course not,” I say. There is so much unexplored sexual tension between us, but more than that, there are real feelings too. A strange feeling comes over me and my chest tightens. It matters to her how I feel, if I’m eating, if I’m happy. It’s kind of like how my brothers understand me, even when I’m barely stringing two words together. Mia just gets me. The real me. I know I don’t deserve her tenderness, the concern she’s shown me the last few days as my ex moved out and I threw myself into my work. I had a girlfriend I’d been stringing along, all because I was scared of my future with Mia. She’s a forever kind of girl. And after my mom died, I didn’t want to give my heart to another woman. But the thing about Mia is that she had it already. She’s had it all along.