Fighting to Breathe(55)

“I understand,” I say, wringing my hands in front of me, uncomfortable with the turn of events.

“Can we start over?” Bre asks, and I look at her and bite my lip, unable to even understand what the hell is going on in my head. Part of me wants to ask why, when fifteen years ago we didn’t speak. We were not close then, and I didn’t expect that to change now. All I craved was for them to look at it from my point of view, to see it through the eyes of a young girl who’d just lost her father to the same life her fiancé had been leading her towards. That thought causes a pang to hit my chest. Austin is still fishing; something could still happen to him. And I don’t know if I’m stronger now than I was back then.

“Lea.” Austin’s voice and his hand on my hip force my head to turn towards him. Seeing the concern in his eyes fills my chest with guilt. I have to try, for him.

“We can start over,” I say softly, looking at Bre then Shayla. Both women nod, but they still look unsure about how to act, which only makes me more uncomfortable.

“Let’s go back to eating before the babies wake up,” Shawn says, breaking the tension that had settled around the room.

“I’m going to get another glass of wine. Would anyone else like something?” I ask, heading towards the kitchen, needing just a few more minutes before sitting down at dinner with them again. The air may have been cleared, but my heart still hurts.

When everyone says no, I walk into the kitchen then squeak when I’m turned and lifted onto the counter, and then Austin’s mouth is on mine and his hips are between my legs. The first nip of his teeth on my bottom lip causes me to gasp and open my mouth to him. His tongue tangles with mine and his hand wraps around my hair, pulling back, causing my core to convulse. I never knew I would crave giving up control to someone else, but with Austin, every part of me comes alive under his touch. When he pulls his mouth from mine, we are both breathing heavily, my legs are tight around him, and my hands are wrapped around his shirt.

“What was that for?” I ask.

“I needed to know you were here with me.”

“What?” I whisper.

He leans back, his hand comes up to hold my cheek, and his thumb runs over my lips. “There are times you get this look in your eyes. It’s sad and unsure, and when I see it, my instinct is to pick you up and carry you away from whatever caused it.” His thumb sweeps over my lips again and his eyes search mine. “I hate that look, baby.”

Placing my forehead on his chest, I mutter, “I just don’t know how to feel right now.”

“That’s okay,” he says, rubbing his hands up and down my back, trying to comfort me. His touch helps some, but now that the seed has planted itself in my head about losing him, I don’t know what to do. “Let’s get you another glass of wine.”

“Yeah,” I agree, hopping down off the counter, watching him as he pulls a new bottle of wine from the fridge and opens it.

“Ready?”

Taking his hand I let him lead me back into the dining room, where everyone is quietly talking. Taking my seat next to Austin I wait for him to pour me another glass of wine then pick it up and taking a gulp, letting the cool liquid relax me.

Sitting quietly through the rest of dinner, my mind is consumed with worry. Worry that I may not be able to fight back whatever it is that’s making me feel like I want to cling to Austin, but push him away at the same time.





Chapter 14




Lea


Placing another batch of cookies on the cookie sheet in front of me, I look out the double doors to the deck and watch Austin as he talks on the phone to his mom. His feet up on the railing and a beer in his hand, which is resting on his stomach.

A week and a half ago, I closed on my office. Austin’s mom actually surprised me with an antique desk from one of the secondhand stores in town and she’s bringing me a truck full of office supplies from Anchorage over the weekend. She is making an effort to get to know me, and I’m doing the same with her, only cautiously.

I pull my eyes from Austin and place the cookies in the oven then take three off the plate, wrap them in a paper towel, and head out to the deck, handing two to Austin as I take a seat next to him. He mouths, Thank you, then pulls my feet up to rest over his thighs as he continues to talk to his mom.

“I know, Mom,” he mutters, taking a bite out of his cookie while looking annoyed. “Yeah, love you too. Later.” He pulls the phone away from his ear and sets it on the table next to him then shoves the rest of the cookie into his mouth.

“Is everything okay?” I ask when he’s done chewing.