“It will get easier,” he says, but I’m not sure if he’s talking about the loss of my mom or the way being around him makes me feel, but I hope he’s right about both.
I sneak out the backdoor and take a seat on the steps, pulling in a lungful of much needed oxygen. I swear the whole town is inside my mom’s house. I know I said we should have a wake, but I had no idea how many people would show up. I should have thought about this better. Being around so many people, smiling and accepting condolences, isn’t easy, especially when every time I think about her or talk about her, I want to cry.
“I was looking for you.” Austin says stepping out the backdoor and closing it softly behind him. After Rhonda and Ben left yesterday, Austin stayed behind with me and we sat on the couch watching TV until I fell asleep then he helped me to bed and left. Once he was gone I laid in bed looking at the celling for hours unable to sleep once again.
“I just needed a minute,” I tell him, scooting over on the step, so he can step down, but instead of moving past me, he takes a seat next to me then wraps his arm around my shoulders, muttering, “Are you gonna be okay?”
I turn to look at him, realizing how close he is, so close that I see the worry etched in his handsome features. “Yeah.” I duck my head, not wanting him to see the tears I feel lurking. “It’s going to take some time, and I know it may sound horrible, but I’m glad she’s passed. I hated the idea of her in pain. I didn’t want her to suffer.” I blink back tears while studying a piece of string on the hem of my sweater.
“I know it’s not easy, but you have Ben, Rhonda, and me here if you need a shoulder to cry on, if you need anything at all.”
“I know,” I agree, tilting my head back, causing our eyes to connect. I could still get lost in his eyes for hours, if given the chance.
“Good,” he says quietly as his gaze drops to my mouth then lifts to meet mine again. I lean forward without thinking, whispering my lips across his in the barest of touches, feeling their soft warmth. His hand wraps around the side of my neck, pulling me closer, so his tongue can slide over the seam of my mouth. My lips part, and a whimper climbs up the back of my throat. As soon as the sound escapes, his body goes tight and he jumps away so fast that I almost fall off the side of the step.
“Don’t.” The one word rips from him as his eyes flash with anger and confusion before he turns away. Tears of humiliation fill my eyes and my heart drops into my stomach as I watch him disappear around the corner of the house. After a couple minutes of fighting them back, I stand up and brush off my bottom, debating on how many people would notice if I just took off.
“Hey,” Rhonda says, opening the door. Her eyes search my face and a frown forms on her mouth as she steps outside. “Are you okay? I just saw Austin take off.”
“I messed up,” I tell her as dread fills me. I just lost someone who has become a great friend once again, and I did it without thinking. I don’t even really know what happened.
“How did you mess up?”
“I kissed Austin,” I tell her, but still feel the slide of his tongue across my flesh, the way his hand wrapped around the side of my neck, anchoring me to him.
“You kissed Austin?” she hisses, stepping down onto the grass with me.
“It wasn’t exactly a kiss.” I shake my head. “It was a wisp, but I leaned in and…oh, God.” I cover my face then look at her through my fingers. “He pushed me away and stormed off.”
“Oh, shit,” she whispers.
“I don’t even know why I did it.”
“It’s okay.” She takes my hands, pulling them away from my face.
“It’s not,” I whimper. “You didn’t see the look on his face when he realized what we were doing.”
“Lea, it’s okay. Your emotions are high right now, and I’m sure Austin understands that.”
She may be right, but there is no way I would ever be able to face him again, not after that. I know I’m a mess, but I really thought we were working towards something. I should have known from the emotions I would catch in his eyes that he wasn’t feeling the same way.
“You’re right,” I lie, wiping under my eyes. “I just hate the idea of losing any of you.”
“You’re not losing anyone, Lea, not anymore,” she says firmly.
I go to her and wrap my arms around her, being careful of her belly, then whisper, “Thank you,” into her ear before pulling away.
“This is what friends are for.” She smiles then takes my hand. “Now, let’s go back inside.” I nod and follow her into the house, where I spend the next two hours listening to people talk about my mom. I smile when I’m supposed to, and offer hugs when they are needed, but for the most part, I stand there surrounded by people, feeling completely alone.