The disciples looked about them again, not knowing whom he meant.
‘He is the one who shall betray me.’
‘Whom do you speak of, Lord?’ Simon-Peter asked anxiously.
Lazarus had taken a seat beside Christ Jesus and was inclining his soul to his master’s words and listening with his heart. It seemed to John that his master had answered the question, for he heard these words:
He is the one, whom I shall give a sop when I have dipped it.
His master dipped a portion of bread into his wine then and handed it to Judas, and this, being a most intimate and honoured act, made Judas hesitate.
Judas looked at him.
‘You have been given your wages, do it quickly,’ Christ Jesus said.
With eyes round and strange Judas took the sop and put it in his mouth and in a flicker John saw the deathly vision of Satan reflected in his eyes. Judas took his bag then and was gone into the night.
The others thought that because Judas held a bag full of money, Christ Jesus had either asked him to buy something for the feast or had sent him to give something to the poor. John knew the truth, however. In his heart he knew it, though he did not know how. Judas had already been paid for his betrayal!
When Judas left the upper room Christ Jesus said, ‘Now the circle is made pure for all that is selfish and full of passion has left it.’
After that, they ate the bread and wine without appetite and gave thanks by singing a Pascal hymn from the second portion of the Hallel. John’s heart was low. He did not wish to think on how the betrayal would come or when.
After the Hallel, Christ Jesus stood, and having found his mother said some words to her and kissed her on the cheek. John saw how his Lord’s mother near lost her footing for it. When she was consoled he returned to his disciples and he said, ‘We go.’
Taking some torches they went out into the darkness of night. Above the hiding moon gave scant light and they were afraid.
It was a strict observance of the Passover to remain inside the safety of the home, for in the open no man was protected from the avenging angel of death. But John loved his master and trusted him, and despite his fear he fell in with the others and followed him into the chilly air.
When they passed by the gate north of the Temple and descended into a desolate part of the valley of Kidron John realised how tired he was. The long week had made inroads into his body and weariness now caused him to feel breathless. Even so he followed the others as they walked on until they crossed the swollen brook and took the road that led toward Olivet, to the garden of Gethsemane.
His master told them, ‘Soon you will not see me…I will be delivered to the Levites and they will take me to the Gentiles and I will be crucified.’
The wind sang in his ears and John felt wilted with terror for these words.
‘I will follow you!’ said Simon-Peter, stumbling in the darkness, ‘I will fight cheek and jowl with your enemies. You see how I have brought my filleting knife? It is sharp too and no mistake! I am ready to go to prison and to march into death with you!’
Christ Jesus looked at him in the mysterious blue light of that spring moon, ‘Put your knife away, brother…you say you will lay down your life for my sake and yet I say to you, you will all desert me.’
There were gasps.
‘All,’ he said significantly.
‘Not I!’ Simon-Peter said, ‘This lot may, but not I!’
He stopped to look at Peter, ‘Before the cock crows you will have denied me three times.’
Simon-Peter howled then, like a wounded wolf. ‘Not I! Tell me it is not so!’
Jesus was grim-faced and stern, ‘Satan desires to have you and take the best of you for himself as he has taken Judas, but I know that in your heart you are full of faith and for this reason I have prayed that your faith will not fail…I have prayed that you will stay with me, to help me carry my cross!’
‘I will carry it!’ said Andrew.
Looking to Andrew he said, ‘Yours shall be a different cross, Andrew, and for this reason it shall be remembered by all men…I tell all of you, this night, none of you will remain with me, you will scatter, every man to his own, and you will leave me alone for fear. But I will not be alone, because Christ is with me and through Him I will overcome the world!’
Christ Jesus walked on breathing heavily, as if all things were now an effort for him.
Simon-Peter, who would have fallen to his knees after those words from his master, were it not for Philip and Andrew beside him, trailed behind, sorrowing, ‘Why did you say that you would carry the cross, Andrew? Do you always have to better me…? I will carry it, by God! I will not fail you, master! I will not fail you!’ Simon-Peter called out.