Fearless In Love(85)
Meanwhile, Daniel was growling. “What kind of disagreement could have been big enough for you to part company?” He put the words in air quotes before he fisted his hands.
Harper and Charlie joined the fray, while over in the shallow end, an oblivious Jeremy whirled Noah around in the water. Matt wanted to shut out the world—so damn bleak without Ari—but he couldn’t take his gaze off his son. Not for one minute.
If anything happened, he’d never forgive himself. Just the way he’d never forgive himself for what he’d said to Ari. For what he’d yelled.
“Noah’s fine,” Harper said, observing the direction of Matt’s gaze. “Jeremy’s a great swimmer and he loves Noah. He won’t let anything bad happen in the pool.”
It was just what Ari had promised. That she would always protect Noah. That she wouldn’t leave.
Frustration—and the deep pain of loss—choked Matt as he forced himself to give them the basics of the story. Which didn’t include him falling back into painful memories and losing his shit, damn it. He finished with, “Noah could have careened out of that gate right into a car.”
Daniel didn’t look at all appeased by Matt’s explanation. “What the hell are you going to do when he’s older and wants to know why he can’t have a skateboard like all the other kids? You’re going to stunt him.”
“I’m not stunting him,” Matt shot back. “I’m protecting him.”
Throughout, Sebastian’s hand idly stroked Charlie’s hip. It was how Matt had wanted to be with Ari, touching her automatically, without conscious thought. Because he’d needed to. Because she’d wanted him there with her.
His heart ached watching them, just as it ached at the easy fit of Harper’s hand in Will’s. They were a unit that also included Jeremy.
Ari had fit too. Until he’d started yelling and driven her away.
In the water, Noah shrieked with laughter, then Jeremy shouted, “Come on, you can do it.”
Noah dog-paddled to him, his face screwed up in concentration as he tried to do an overarm stroke. But with the water wings, he couldn’t manage it. He wouldn’t go under—but Matt finally saw that he couldn’t actually swim properly with the wings in his way.
Ari had tried to tell him that. But he hadn’t listened.
His father had never listened either.
“Did you fire her?” As softly spoken as Daniel’s question was, it was still sharp enough to cut steel.
Matt had promised his friend he wouldn’t hurt Ari. He hadn’t just broken that promise, he’d shattered it.
“I didn’t fire her. She packed her bags and left after I yelled at her for taking off the training wheels.” A muscle jumped in his jaw as he forced himself to admit, “After I told her I didn’t give a damn what she thought was the right thing to do for Noah.”
He could feel the shock reverberate through every single person at the barbecue. They might be his friends, but it was clear they thought he’d lost his mind.
Evan spoke first. “You were a lucky SOB who could have had everything, and you let her walk away?” Anger—and a thick dose of bitterness—underpinned his words. “Are you crazy?”
Evan had never been a fighter. He’d kept his head in his numbers just like Matt had lived inside his books. Will, Daniel, and Sebastian had been the warriors, the ones who stood up for Evan and Matt, until they’d both learned to grab the world with both hands and twist it to their will. Evan was the contained one, the one who never showed his emotions, even though they all knew he had them. But today a dark fire lit his eyes, as if the emotion he’d banked his entire life was about to break free.
“You’re afraid to grab what you really want because you don’t think you have what it takes to hold on to it.”
Matt’s hackles rose, and even his fists bunched, as though he might actually fight his friend. He’d thought Daniel would be the one to come after him, not Evan. “Where the hell is that coming from?” No one else said a word, all of them equally taken aback by Evan’s vitriol.
“The status quo, that’s easy for you. It’s going for it—it’s falling for Ari and taking a risk by loving her—that terrifies you.” Evan stabbed a finger at Matt. “You don’t think we all see you’re so scared that you’re willing to throw away the best thing that’s come your way since Noah was born? Just like an idiot?”
Matt heard his father’s voice. Right there in his head. You’re a little weenie. Afraid of your own shadow. Be a man. Buck up. In the yard, he heard his son’s giggle, Jeremy’s laughter, felt his friends’ eyes on him. But inside him, his father’s voice was roaring, Freaking weenie. Scared all the time. Stand up for yourself, you idiot.