Fear and Loathing at Rolling Stone(19)
“Nothing,” I said. “That’s why I called the sheriff. I thought your intelligence network might know something.”
“Sure they do,” he said quickly. “But all that information is confidential.”
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First in a Series
By the summer of 1971, Hunter’s relationship with the magazine was humming; he was an infrequent, if notorious, presence around the office and began to see himself as integrally involved in Rolling Stone’s operations; to that effect, he initiated the first in an occasional and long-running series of “Memos from the Sports Desk”—short diatribes and mini manifestos covering issues of the day ranging from office politics to international conspiracies. The first such memo—on the emerging born-again menace infiltrating the local culture—featured the first Rolling Stone byline of Hunter’s most infamous alter ego, Raoul Duke.
Letter from HST to JSW
June 8 ’71
Jann . . .
This (enc.) thing began as a one-graf note—sort of a quick edit joke. I’m not sure what it is now. Apparently I was more into it than I thought.
Which is true. This Jesus trip will tie us all in knots for at least the next year, unless we deal with it quick. I’ve seen what the Zen/Macro influence can do to Realpolitik—and this Jesus bullshit is simply a new twist in the old Big Answer game. These simple bastards refuse to accept the notion that they have to do something. They keep waiting for The Answer to turn up on some fucking scroll—or maybe a Tarot card.
Anyway, here’s a Memo for you. I hesitate to even suggest what might be done with it. As the Sports Editor, I feel entitled to a certain modicum of craziness, but—even so—I’m not sure I’d like to see this in print with an italicized “editors note” saying “here’s what crazy Hunter wrote this week.” That last thing about the human drug-testing apparatus was all I need for this season.
OK for now.
HST
Memo from the Sports Desk:
The So-Called “Jesus Freak” Scare
September 2, 1971
A recent emergency survey of our field-sources indicates a firestorm of lunacy brewing on the neo-religious front. Failure to prepare for this madness could tax our resources severely—perhaps to the breaking point. During the next few months we will almost certainly be inundated, even swamped, by a nightmare-blizzard of schlock, gibberish, swill, & pseudo-religious bullshit of every type and description. We can expect no relief until after Christmas. This problem will manifest itself in many treacherous forms—and we will have to deal with them all. To wit:
1) The mailroom will be paralyzed by wave after wave of pamphlets, records, warnings and half-mad screeds from Persons and/or Commercial Organizations attempting to cash in on this grisly shuck. So we have already made arrangements to establish an alternative mailroom, to handle our serious business.
2) We expect the main elevators to be jammed up, day and night, by a never-ending swarm of crazies attempting to drag huge wooden crosses and other over-sized gimcracks into the building. To circumvent this, we are even now in the process of installing a powerful glass/cube electric lift on the exterior of the building for employee/business & general editorial use. The ingress/egress door will be cut in the east wall, behind Dave Felton’s cubicle. The ground-floor door will be disguised as a huge packing crate in the parking lot. An armed guard will be on duty at all times.
3) We expect the phone lines to be tied up almost constantly by hired and/or rabid Jesus Freaks attempting to get things like “Today’s Prayer Message,” etc., into our editorial columns. Our policy will be not to reject these things: no, we will accept them. They will all be switched to a special automated phone extension in the basement of the building. Yail Bloor, the eminent theologist, has prepared a series of recorded replies for calls of this nature. Any callers who resist automation can leave their names & numbers, so Inspector Bloor can return their calls and deal with them personally between the hours of 2:00 and 6:00 AM.
These are only a few of the specific horrors that we will have to come to grips with between now and September. There will, of course, be others—less tangible and far more sensitive—such as Subversion of Key Personnel. As always, there will be a few brainless scumbags going under—succumbing, as it were—to the lure of this latest cult. We expect this, and when these organizational blow-holes appear, they will be plugged with extreme speed & savagery.
It is the view of the Sports Desk that a generation of failed dingbats and closet-junkies should under no circumstances be allowed to foul our lines of communication at a time when anybody with access to a thinking/nationwide audience has an almost desperate obligation to speak coherently. This is not the year for a mass reversion to atavistic bullshit—and particularly not in the pages of Rolling Stone.