“Okay then, now that we’ve all met and sniffed each other’s butts, why are you here and how in the hell did you get through my cloaking?” I asked my cute little bastard of a grandpa.
“Darling, nothing keeps me out of where I want to be,” he explained, making himself comfortable on the couch.
“You answered half. Why are you here?” I demanded. Keeping my grandpa on track was similar to herding greased cats.
“Fucking Sprites,” Ethan muttered under his breath.
“I can hear you,” Grandpa snapped.
“I certainly hope so,” Ethan replied politely.
Help me, Cousin Jesus.
“Enough.” I glared at Ethan and then turned my ire on my gramps. “Spit it out or leave.”
“Fine, dear,” he sighed dramatically. “When it came to my attention that you busted your boyfriend out I was worried about both of you.”
“You knew he was being held? Like an animal? Being molested by a slut named Lust?” I shouted.
“Yes. No and no,” he answered, looking a bit put out.
“What exactly are you upset about?” I asked. “The fact that he was being held or the torture he was being put through?”
“I’m quite perturbed that I didn’t know this. I am sorry that the father of your child was treated disrespectfully, despite the fact that he is rude. That was not ordered by anyone to my knowledge.”
“Would my Uncle Fucker have ordered this?”
“Astrid, I’d avoid that endearment,” Gramps admonished. “Lucifer’s sense of humor isn’t that broad.”
“I wasn’t joking.”
“Yes, well . . . let’s get back to the matter at hand,” Grandpa was flustered. It was incongruous with what I’d seen of him thus far, but what did I know? I thought he was a wall. “How long do you feel that you’ve been here?” he asked Ethan.
“A day—maybe two. Do you run consecutively with Earth time?”
“Not exactly,” Grandpa told him. “But you confound me. You have your power. Vampyres are always rendered magic-free in Hell. Why are you different?”
“Because of me,” I said. Both men looked at me and waited. Ethan wasn’t going to like what I was about to say, but . . . “He’s had my blood. Would that make the difference?”
Ethan’s jaw worked silently, but he said nothing. Grandpa sat quietly and considered.
“Yes, it would make a difference if . . . ” He stopped himself.
“If what?” I asked. The time for half stories and ‘Let’s Let Astrid Figure It Out On Her Own’ was over. “If what?” I repeated.
“I’m not at liberty to say,” he muttered and rubbed his cute little head, making his hair stand on end.
“Oh, for God’s sake,” I yelled. “I’ve got a little problem here and if you can help me I would really appreciate it.”
“That’s Uncle God to you,” he corrected. I rolled my eyes and plastered my arms to my sides so I wouldn’t slap him.
“The issue is that I can survive a week in Hell. I need to know how time is running,” Ethan said, avoiding eye contact with me.
“You can only be here a week?” I shrieked and Ethan nodded. “Can you find out or adjust the time thingie?” I asked Grandpa frantically.
“That is very complicated.” Gramps looked pained and frightened.
“If he dies I join him.”
“What? You can’t die.” Gramps was shocked. Clearly he didn’t know everything.
“We’re mated—if one of us dies the other follows. So as I see it, you have a couple of choices. Take us to a portal so I can send Ethan home and complete whatever I have to do here . . . ”
“Not an option,” Ethan snapped.
“Alrighty then, Pops, you have one choice. Stop time on Earth until I find your stinking Sword of Death.”
“Shit.” Grandpa turned green and then ghostly white. “There’s only one way.”
“Will it hurt?” I asked, expecting something hideous.
“Not you, my dear. Me.”
That stopped me. As much as I wanted to throttle the tiny man, I had fallen a little in love with my grandpa. “Will it kill you?”
“Oh no,” he laughed. “I actually enjoy a bit of pain.”
“TMI, Gramps. What do we have to do?”
“I have to call in a favor with your grandma,” he whispered. His head snapped around and he fearfully searched the room.
“Is she here?” I asked quietly, backing into a corner in case the ceiling caved in.
“What’s happening?” Ethan asked, picking up on the terror.
“Not sure,” I muttered, “but come stand by me just in case.”