Approaching slowly in case it was a trap I moved closer. I kept myself cloaked and levitated off the grass so I didn’t accidentally rustle anything on the ground. The air on either side of the door shimmered and moved in the gentle breeze. Was something there? I couldn’t tell. I floated around the door. It truly was freestanding. There was nothing but grass behind and all around it . . . and it was making me horny. My nipples hardened and a tingling started low in my abdomen. What was happening here? Was the door a succubus? Could an inanimate object be a succubus? When had I lost my mind and thought humping a door might be a good idea? I realized it wasn’t the door I want to do the horizontal mambo with and I heaved a huge sigh of relief, but what was it?
The aroma of freshly baked brownies accosted my nose and . . . Brownies? No way.
I needed to become corporeal if I wanted to open the door, but was unsure if the owners of the brownie scent would be happy to see me.
“General George Patton? Bambi? Is that you?” I whispered, hoping to God I wasn’t attracted to them. “It’s me, Astrid. I’m Dixie’s cousin and she said you wouldn’t, you know, um . . . eat me because we have the same . . . ”
They materialized and I screamed. They were heinous. I hadn’t remembered the Hell Hounds being quite so big. Moving away slowly while keeping my eyes on them, I debated on whether or not to run or hump them. Please tell me I didn’t just consider humping Hell Hounds . . . Their eyes narrowed and they lifted their bulbous snouts in the air.
“Astrid, it’s lovely to see you again,” a deep goofy male voice said. Neither one of the Hell Hounds mouths moved. I whipped around to find the owner, but no one was there.
“It’s me, General George,” the voice huffed. “I speak through my eyebrows.”
WTF?
“You have eyebrows?” I asked, stepped closer and noticed the bushy wiry tufts of hair above his beady eyes.
“Yep. All Hounds speak through the brows.”
He was right. They bounced in rhythm with his words. Bizarre.
“If you talk with your eyebrows, what do you do with your mouth?”
“Eat pizza and destroy those that threaten the life of my master.”
“Right.” As much as I was repulsed by the duo, my inner slut was telling me a different story. Shit. This was not happening.
“Um, I was wondering where this door led. Do you know?” I asked, dying to run my hands over my breasts. I slapped them to my sides and held on to my pants. I wasn’t attracted to them last night. Why was I attracted to them now?
“Are you okay?” Bambi’s eyebrows asked me in a high squeaky voice.
“Not really,” I whispered. “Do you guys feel anything weird?”
“Always,” General George told me. “Why? What are you feeling?”
Truth or dare? If I came clean and they felt the same way this could be a clusterfuck of massive proportions. Pun intended. But if I lied would they know?
“I’m, um . . . ” I wrung my hands and cursed Satan for making me stay in Hell. There was no way I could tell animals that I thought I wanted to do the nasty with them, no matter how much they smelled like brownies. Omission is not lying. “I lost something important to me and I was looking for it.”
“It or them?” Bambi’s brows jiggled.
Did they know something? My gut told me not to fear them, but I was in Hell where nothing was as it seemed. “Them,” I told her. I was at a dead end. I could feel my little monsters slightly, but it had faded. “My Demon Babies.”
“Are you speaking of Abe, Beyonce, Rachel and Ross?” General George’s waggly eyebrows inquired with great fondness. Hopefully it wasn’t because he’d just eaten them as an afternoon snack.
“Maybe,” I answered. “Have you seen them?”
“Oh yes, my dear,” he said. “Abe was quite sure you’d be coming. We’ve been waiting for you.”
“You have?”
“Yes.” Bambi giggled, if you could call a snort that spewed slobber a giggle. “We are here to guide you.”
“Why would you help me?” For the second time in less than ten minutes I wondered if this was a trap.
“Something is afoot and it’s wrong,” General George grunted, shaking his ginormous furry head.
“I thought you guys were okay with evil stuff.”
“Oh, we are, but this goes far beyond evil,” Bambi added.
“Are my babies okay?” I asked, heading for the door to go find them. I was going to kill those little shits if they weren’t already dead.
“For now,” Bambi assured me, stepping into my path. “Tell me what you’re feeling.”