Cort leaned forward to look down the bar at them. “Did you happen to see the Dancing Vagrant?”
Drake shook his head. “Sorry. You’re stuck with the bird for a while longer.”
Cort sighed. “Well at least this time the damn thing didn’t rob anyone.”
No sooner had he said that than a Cher impersonator, this one dressed as Moonstruck Cher, approached them.
“There you are,” she said to Cort. “Do you know that damn bird of yours stole one of my earrings last night? And it was an exact replica of the ones Cher wore to the Oscars in 1988.”
“Of course he did,” Josie Lynn heard Cort mutter and reach for his wallet.
Josie Lynn studied the Cher, then leaned in to whisper to Drake. “He’s one of the five. He was dressed as Believe Cher last night.”
“Are you sure?”
Josie Lynn nodded.
Drake stood up and walked over to the Cher.
“You were at the wedding last night. You crashed it.”
Moonstruck Cher gave Drake a slightly offended look. “Crashed? I don’t think so. We were a gift to the bride.”
As if they realized one of their own was being confronted, the four other Chers appeared from backstage, making a very impressive beeline toward them.
“Great,” Wyatt muttered, “we’re going to end up in a tranny brawl.”
“Well hello, wild ones,” Half-Breed Cher greeted them, hardly looking ready to fight.
Josie Lynn then realized she was talking to her and Drake.
“Wild ones?” Drake said.
If You Could Turn Back Time Cher clucked her tongue. “You two were naughty, naughty, naughty.”
“But so much fun,” Sixties Cher said.
Josie Lynn exchanged looks with Drake. This wasn’t going at all like they thought it was going to go.
“We hung out with you all last night?” Drake asked.
“Obviously,” Cort muttered, handing Moonstruck Cher a wad of cash. “Damn bird.”
“Yes,” Bob Mackie Cher said, “But clearly none of you remember it either.”
“Either?” Wyatt said.
“Brian and I here,” Bob Mackie Cher said pointing to Half-Breed Cher, “ran into a couple of your friends. The ones handcuffed together. And it was clear they didn’t remember partying with us either.”
“So you didn’t drug and rob us?” Josie Lynn said, thoroughly confused.
All five Chers looked appalled.
“Would Cher rob anyone? Please,” said Bob Mackie Cher.
“She is a goddess,” If I Could Turn Back Time Cher stated adamantly. “Not a common criminal.”
Josie Lynn supposed that was reasonable logic.
“Plus, we really are friends of Zelda’s,” Sixties Cher said.
“So who the hell drugged and robbed us?” Drake asked.
“Oh, we can tell you that,” came a voice from behind them.
They all turned to see Johnny, Zelda, and Saxon—and behind them were two people wearing black leather masks with zippers over their mouths and cuffs on their wrists as they were being dragged along by dog collars and leashes. One of the leashes was the one Josie Lynn had used on Waldo, which meant the gator was probably on the loose again.
“Saxon figured out who drugged and robbed us,” Zelda said proudly, and clearly fully recovered.
“Who?”
Saxon peeled back one of the masks on the bound couple, while Johnny pulled off the other.
“Eric,” Josie Lynn said, not totally surprised. But her jaw dropped when she looked to the other culprit. “And Ashley?”
* * *
“WHAT THE HELL is going on?” Believe Cher asked. “Isn’t that Madame Renee’s daughter?”
Johnny wanted to laugh. He wanted to sit down in a chair and laugh his fucking head off at the sheer ridiculousness of this night, and his life in general. Here he was, standing in a burlesque club with five men dressed as Cher while Saxon revealed the culprits in the Great Wedding Dress and Drug the Vampires Caper. It felt like he’d fallen into an episode of Scooby Doo and he was the dog going, “Ruh?”
When Saxon had called him for backup after Lizette had taken off, he had shown up at Zelda’s and found her with her new husband in the Dungeon, trussing up a couple of college kids like they were Christmas geese. Or worse. Now he was being told that this blond girl, Ashley, who had looked so sweet passing out crab cakes at the wedding, but was hissing defiantly now, was a transgender vampire’s daughter?
Johnny didn’t need his acute senses to smell bullshit.
“You’re Madame Renee’s daughter?” Josie Lynn gasped, standing close to Drake. “But he’s so . . . old. And so fond of sequins.”
“Doesn’t mean he doesn’t like to boom-boom with a young thing in his room,” Bob Mackie Cher said.