"Victoria, I … ." His words fall short with a deep sigh, and I can tell he doesn't know what to say.
"It's okay, Gabriel," I reassure him. "I'm going. You can do your work in peace. I'll see you when I get back."
"Okay," he says softly.
When I get to the bar, a Mexican themed place named Cabo, I'm greeted by Alanna and two Pina coladas. She hands me one of them and eagerly takes a sip, motioning to our table.
"We're over there," she says. "Ladies night out. I have so missed this."
"Me too," I manage to say between sips. I did miss her. It's weird not having a place together anymore when we've been living together for so long. I didn't even have time to prepare or get used to the idea. I just came back to find my apartment, and my life as I knew it, gone.
I follow Alanna to the table across the room and sit down. There's upbeat music playing from the speakers above, and I feel myself relax as I look across the table at my happy companion.
"So," Alanna starts. "You said Gabriel's acting weird. What's going on?"
I smile at her eagerness to get to the bottom of the situation. At least she hasn't changed drastically in my absence. "I don't know what's going on," I say. "Was he acting weird while I was gone?"
"If by acting weird you mean him brooding the whole time and throwing a temper tantrum every time you refused to see him, then yes." Alanna laughs. "I think he went mad without you around."
"Well, it sure doesn't seem like it now." I frown. "He seems like he can't get far enough away from me. He spent all night in his office, and I don't know if he even came to bed."
Alanna furrows her brows in disbelief. "Really?"
"Yes, really," I groan. "He's treating me like I might break. The sex has been … I don't know different. And besides that, he's hardly touching me."
"Hmm … " Alanna taps her fingers across the table. "Is he stressed at work or something?"
"Could be, I don't know. We don't really talk much about his job. He's trying to start up his business, so I guess he could be stressed about that."
"Well, maybe that's it then." She smiles reassuringly.
"I don't know. It could be, but I don't think it is. Something just doesn't feel right. And I don't like it."
"Well you are still having sex though right?" she asks as she scrunches up her face.
"Yes, well we have. But not like before. And I practically had to throw myself at him today."
"Well," Alanna says, "I don't know what's going through his mind babe, but if there's one thing I know for certain, it's that he loves you. You should have seen him when you went away, he was devastated. You were all he talked about. And if I had to guess, I would just say he is stressed from work or something. You just need to take his mind off of it."
"And how do I do that?" I ask.
"Just don't take no for an answer. Do some of that kinky stuff you guys like." She winks. "I don't know, be creative. You know him better than I do."
I mull over her advice, wondering if it could work.
"Thanks, Alanna. I don't know how you do it, but you always make me feel better."
"Oh trust me … " She takes another sip of her drink. "When I'm through with you tonight, you will be feeling much better. I hear some margaritas calling our name."
Chapter Ten
Victoria
The next morning, I glance at the alarm clock and groan. It's already past nine, which means I missed Gabriel this morning. I make a mental note then and there that I really need to find a real job now. But first, I have something more important to do today.
It's ten minutes to noon when I arrive at Gabriel's office. I chat with his secretary Margie for a moment, and she informs me he's out but will be back shortly. She gives me a conspiratorial wink as I sneak into his office to wait for him.
As I sit in his chair, attempting to be patient, I feel like there's a giant knot lodged in my throat. Because I can't stop wondering what will happen if he rejects me today. I really don't think I can handle that possibility.
But then I remember the last time I came here to do this, and how passionately he took me then. My breathing calms and when I look down into my hands, I realize that I'm instinctively tapping the riding crop against my palm.
The door swings open, and Gabriel walks in, pausing when he sees me in his chair.
"Victoria, what are you doing here?"
I swallow my nerves and try to muster up a smile. This isn't exactly the warm welcome I was going for. Even though my confidence is wavering at this point, I decide to follow through with my plan. Because deep down inside of me, I know we can't keep going on like this. Whatever Gabriel has going on at the moment, I need to know that he still wants me too.
"Just thought I'd pay you a little visit, handsome." My voice isn't nearly as seductive as I'm going for. "I brought you a gift," I say, holding up the crop in my hand.
When he doesn't move, I saunter over to him, letting him drink me in with his gaze. Despite the frown on his face, his eyes are hooded, and I take that as a good sign. But as soon as I put my hand on his chest, he stiffens. An odd look flashes through his eyes before he places his hand over mine, effectively stopping me.
"I'm sorry, Victoria, but I can't today. I have some important meetings." His tone is stiff, dismissive even, and something else that sounds vaguely like anger.
Still, I refuse to take no for an answer. I slowly pull up my skirt to reveal my new garter and lace panties, hoping I can tempt him that way. "We can be quick."
"Victoria," he admonishes me, his voice harsh, "please don't embarrass yourself. I said I can't."
What. The. Fuck.
My heart lurches in my chest, and I can't contain the horrified look on my face as his rejection sears through me. He's never said anything like that to me before. And beyond all reason, I can't see the point in talking this out right now. I feel my legs, along with my wounded pride, running for the door. Just as I'm about to make my escape, his hand wraps around my arm.
"Victoria," he rasps. "Wait."
His voice is laced with regret, but I don't know why. In the back of my mind, I wonder if he's just afraid of causing an embarrassing scene in his office. The thought is enough to send me over the edge. Before I can get control of myself, I turn around and slap him.
"Don't. Touch. Me." I hiss.
I can't believe how feral I sound. And apparently he can't either because he's actually gaping at me.
I run out the door and directly into the crowded elevator that's just about to close. It takes everything inside of me to wait until I make it onto the street before I burst into full blown tears, but I do. As I shuffle down the sidewalk with everyone staring at me like a lunatic, my cell phone starts ringing in my purse. I know it's Gabriel, but I have no desire to talk to him right now, so I put it on silent and hail a cab.
As soon as I get back to the apartment, I'm at a loss as to what I should do. I can't believe I actually slapped him. But part of me, the immature little girl inside, still thinks he deserves it, and therefore, refuses to feel guilty.
The way he acted towards me today was so cold, it felt like we've reverted back to the very beginning. Somehow the dynamic between us has changed, and my sweet Gabriel is slipping away from me. The thought is crippling, and I don't know what else to do.
When I finally pull out my phone, I see I have ten missed calls from Gabriel. And one text.
I'm sorry Victoria,
Please don't be angry.
The words that I really need to hear aren't there. I hesitate for a moment before coming to a decision. It just isn't enough. That isn't an explanation, and I can't sit here, in his apartment, feeling totally out of place. It serves as a brutal reminder of why I never wanted a relationship to begin with. Because, inevitably, I always end up hurt. And I hate the fact that I have nowhere to go, feeling so displaced.
I head for the closet and stuff as many of my clothes as I can into an overnight bag. I don't want to take everything. At least not yet. Because that would mean admitting it's over. As I head back down in the elevator, I try calling both Alanna and Trevor. Neither of them answers. I feel frustrated and alone as I hail a taxi to the nearest hotel.
I book in for the night, unsure of what I'm going to do tomorrow. When I open the door with my key, I remember how much I hate hotel rooms. They're the place I spent a great deal of my years on the run, and they never felt like home. Granted, they weren't nearly as nice as this place, but that really makes no difference.
I collapse onto the bed and flip through the TV channels, not really seeing anything on the screen. It's just a way to distract my mind from the painful silence around me. Eventually, I curl up on the bed and close my eyes, allowing myself to succumb to the emotional exhaustion.