He is quiet for a minute, then turns his head to look at me. "Where were you when I was twelve?"
"Well, I was nine." I cut my eyes over to him. "And probably locked in the back of a Ho Ho truck, eating my way to freedom. Yeah, that really happened."
Zane rolls over onto his stomach, laughing. "I bet you were awesome."
"Well, yeah," I say modestly.
He reaches over and trails a finger feather light down my cheek. His eyes seem to darken with some serious emotion. "I would have liked you even back then."
The intensity of his gaze is too much to bear. It makes me feel helpless, exposed. I break contact, turning away. "You like fat chicks, huh?" I say, pushing my hair back.
Zane grabs my chin, making me face him. His eyes look steadily into mine. "I like girls with eyes the color of honey and cinnamon, lips I can't stop kissing, and an incredible body made to fit against mine."
Had I been able to speak, I would have totally ruined the moment by saying something dumb, like, "And who would that be?" or "penis."
Thank God I am speechless.
Zane leans over. His mouth comes down on mine, sweeping away all conscious thought.
I am falling into a sweet golden light. The touch and taste of him! Soft and firm, light and darkness, pleasure and pain...The pain is a lovely ache, a need I can't explain. I wrap my arms around Zane's neck and draw him closer. He is...everything.
We kiss for endless moments. Zane is the first to pull away, maintaining eye contact.
I am dazed with emotions. How can just a kiss feel more...intimate than the things we did on the kitchen counter that night?
"Gotta stop," he says, and kisses the tip of my nose. He smiles crookedly down at me. "Wanna go for a swim? I could use a distraction."
I laugh shakily. "Me, too."
Zane climbs easily to his feet, then helps me up. We don't bother to roll up our jeans, we just wade out into the water and watch the rolling waves.
"I was really pissed at her, too," I blurt out suddenly. "My mom. She knew—knew something was wrong with her. She felt the lump in her breast, but she was in denial about it. I just kept thinking, if she had been responsible about her health, they could have caught it early and taken care of it. The cancer...it just got sprung on me, you know? I thought she had the flu."
I choke out a laugh. Zane takes my hand in his. The warmth of his grip strengthens me.
"I keep thinking it's going to come back when I least expect it. When I'm at my happiest. So I'm always afraid to be happy."
Zane looks out at the horizon. "You know, there are so many things that can go wrong in this world, you could spend your whole life worrying about them and forget to appreciate every moment you have with someone. Then, you're like, 'God, why wasn't I thankful for what I had when I had it?'" He glances over at me. "You know what the secret to a happy life is?"
I shake my head, silent tears falling down my cheeks.
He squeezes my hand. "No regrets. Just live in the moment."
We stand there, knee deep in the water, holding hands. The silence is thunderous with words we don't speak. I feel his presence beside me like it's an extension of my own body, tall and strong, and so, so beautiful. But I can't look at him. Right now, it hurts too damn much.
Chapter 17
Everyone at school is talking about the Halloween dance. Lauren and I get asked by several guys, but we both say no. We never go to any extracurricular activities—you think people would realize that by now. It's just not our thing. Like cheering at spirit assemblies. The two of us sit there with the other geeks, doing homework while kids around us stomp and cheer.
I can't explain my disconnection from the whole high school experience. I mean, I tried to make an effort with Matt, since he loved that kind of crap, but my heart was never in it. Is something wrong with me?
It's fortunate for Zane, however. I don't nag him to attend a silly school dance with me, or try to drag him to a friend's party. I tell him I'm not into that scene, and he seems relieved.
There is, however, a sweethearts dance coming up at Sunset Park that I would like to go to. I debate furiously with myself whether I should invite Zane or not. Would he think I'm lame for asking?
I text him after school one day before I can chicken out.
Me: Hey. What are you doing for Halloween?
He messages me back a couple of minutes later.
Zane: Don't know. Might have to work. What's up?
Me: Nothing. I was just wondering if you wanted to go to this dance they're having at my work.
I put my phone down, anxious as hell. I pretend to be preoccupied with looking for something in the kitchen, and I don’t know why I bother—there's no one around but me. My phone beeps a second later, and I jump like a...I don't know what. I nervously check my phone for his reply.