“But how do you feel about her?”
“Who are you, my shrink? It doesn’t matter how I feel. In a week she’s going to climb some mountain in Nepal and very well might die.” Just uttering the words left him feeling faint, and he had to swallow hard before he could continue. “I’m not going to expose the kids to that.”
“Jesus, really?” Jenna’s voice was suddenly hushed. “That’s intense. Don’t they have ropes and harnesses and things?”
“Yeah, and storms and avalanches and crevasses, too.”
“Well, that is scary,” she said. “But what exactly does that have to do with you going out with her?”
“Jenna, have you heard a word I’ve said?”
“Ross, stop that,” she snapped. “I happen to be fairly well acquainted with your sense of honor, okay? I know how you work. You get something in your head, like you’re protecting the kids, or protecting me, and that’s it. You’re black and white. But life doesn’t work that way. Love shouldn’t work that way. Love isn’t about what makes sense, it’s about how you feel.”
This was starting to sound far too much like some of their conversations back when she’d filed for divorce, and he didn’t like it. “Can we change the subject, please?”
A note of wonder entered her voice. “You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”
He couldn’t say anything because it had suddenly become clear to him that he did love her. And every one of his carefully constructed arguments for staying away from her had begun to sound like utter and complete nonsense.
“Oh my dear friend, you are.” He could practically hear her shaking her head in wonder. “And you’re going to let her go without telling her, aren’t you? Because of some stupid rule you created in your head about what was good for the kids.”
“It’s for me, too,” he said quietly. “I’m not sure I can take it if she doesn’t come back.”
“So you’re scared.”
“Of course I’m scared. I’m terrified.” He found himself practically yelling into the phone, and had to force himself to take a deep breath. “What the hell does that have to do with anything?”
“If you’re so terrified, what are you doing at home talking to me? Go after her, you idiot.”
“It’s not that simple. I tried to talk to her today and she wouldn’t listen.”
“It’s never simple,” she replied. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t keep trying.”
He fiddled with the computer in front of him, trying not to think about what was going to happen at the end of the week. Trying not to imagine Kelsey getting on a plane without him ever telling her the truth.
“We tried to love each other like that,” Jenna said. “We tried for a long time. But we were always better friends than we were lovers. I can’t pretend that I know what the real thing is like, but if you’ve got a chance for that kind of love then you owe it to both of us to go after it.”
He had to stop and think. Let the words sink it. Was that what she meant, all those years ago? That was why she’d ended their marriage? Because she believed this kind of love was out there? This feeling that he had for Kelsey? This incredible, driving need?
“How did you know?” he asked, dumbfounded by the sudden moment of clarity. “How did you know it was out there?”
“I didn’t,” she said. “I hoped.”
He had to stop and breathe, remembering the moment when she’d handed him the ring and he’d stood there stunned, not understanding why she could possibly be ripping apart the very fabric of their life. “I never understood.”
She didn’t respond right away. When she did, her voice had the throaty catch that he knew meant she’d been crying. “I know. I never knew if it was worth it. But I believed there was more, for both of us. And now you can make it all worthwhile.” She took a deep breath before she continued. “Make it worthwhile, Ross. Go after her.”
Chapter Nineteen
When he got to her house it was dark. He knocked on the front door and could see a shadow moving inside. The porch light turned on, and then she appeared at the door, biting her lip and glancing nervously over her shoulder when she saw who was there.
“What do you want?” she asked.
“I need to talk to you.” Before he could say anything more she had stepped back, eyes shuttered.
“It’s not a good time.”
“It’s never a good time,” he said, hearing Jenna’s voice in his head.