“Kevin…no. This is never going to happen. I care for you, but not in the way you want me to. You were Chase’s best friend. How could I ever be with you?”
“Hannah.” He leans his arms on either side of me, trapping me between the sink and him. When I look to the side, he grabs my face with just one hand to make me look at him. The other hand is still at my side.
“Hannah, I love you. I want to be with you. Can’t you just try for the kids’ sake?” He is pleading with me as he always does when we talk about this.
“Are you out of your fucking mind?” I’m angry. My reaction to his come ons are always the same. The thought of being with him makes the bile rise in the back of my throat. He is more like my best friend or brother.
“What do you want? For the kids to call you Uncle-Daddy Kevin?” My words are sharp, slicing through him like knives. “Or is it that you just want to fuck me in the bed where Chase used to fuck me? I have no need to do any of those things with you. How many times do I have to tell you that? I need you as a friend and nothing more. The kids need you as Uncle Kevin.” I’m breathing fast, and he steps back in shock. Its then I see the hurt in his eyes. Seeing the pain in his face does not make me feel good, but I have to make it clear that I am not interested in him.
“Kevin, I think you need to get over this. It’s not happening. If you keep doing this, I am going to tell you not to come over anymore. And I don’t want that. The kids wouldn’t want that, so please drop it.” I’m shaking and the tears begin. I wish Chase were still here; then I would never have to deal with any of this.
“What happened to Vanessa?” I ask. Kevin just shakes his head and runs his finger along his jawline.
“I fucked it up. I fuck everything up. It’s what I do best.” He’s looking down now. I feel bad but this is how I feel. I can’t do it. I can’t be with him in the way he wants. He starts to walk away, and I follow him. We stop at the door, and he cups my neck. I lean my head to the side and close my eyes. He slips one of his hands into my hair and pulls me close to his chest. I can feel his heartbeat against my ear. I haven’t been this close to anyone since Chase has been gone. The pain surges deep in my chest, and the hurt creeps back. I take a deep breath, and he kisses my cheek.
“I love you, Hannah. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ll leave you alone; I will do anything you need me to.” I kiss his cheek and he leaves. I lock the door and feel exhausted. I go into Chase’s office and get on the treadmill. I need to run until it hurts. I want my body to hurt as bad as my heart.
I run for two hours, until I can barely make it up to my bed. I lie back, still all sweaty, and the memories come back, crashing down on me like giant waves.
CHAPTER SIX
October 2012
I sit all night staring up at the ceiling. Hunter is sideways in the bed, with his head on my stomach. He is restless. I gently slide his head down to rest on the bed before sliding out of bed and walking to the safe. I pull out an envelope. I remember the agent handing it to me when Chase and I did our life insurance policies.
“I hope you never have to open this,” he had said as he handed it to me.
“I hope so too,” I had said, taking it from him.
That day I had put it in the safe and never thought about it again, until now. I open it up, and start to read. It is the usual legal mumbo jumbo. I get a million. We chose a million for both of us. It will pay off the house and leave enough for me to open two trust funds for the kids. I sigh; I never thought I would have to do this. Before I know it, I have everything emptied out of the safe, going through all of Chase’s business info. He owns fifty percent, and so does Kevin.
I have no idea what I am going to do with Chase’s business. I’ll probably just sign it all over to Kevin. The pain begins to consume me. It pulses through every cell in my body. The subtle ache in my chest begins to crest and swallow me whole. I weep hidden on the closet floor behind Chase’s clothes. I pull down a shirt and bring it to my nose. It smells like him. If I close my eyes maybe I can pretend like he right next to me. I can pretend his arms are around me. This makes the tears come harder and faster. The kids wake up and start to cry for Daddy. I cry too, because I can’t give them what they so desperately want. I can’t bring Chase back, and just the thought of that breaks me down all over again. As a parent I’m supposed to protect my children, they were never supposed to feel pain of this magnitude. We are all lying on the floor when Kevin walks in. I go to sit up, but he stops me. He gets down on the floor with us, taking Ella out of my arms and bringing her to his chest. I watch as wraps and arm securely around her tiny frame while the other brushes through her hair. He cries softly into her blonde hair. I watch Ella cling to Kevin, like he will soon disappear. Glancing down at Hunter, I see Chase in all of his features. I run my hand slowly down his cheek catching the stream of tears. He looks so lost and fragile. I push my fears out of my head in hopes of becoming stronger for them. The room is filled with so much angst. I get the strength to get up.