“You do love me, don’t you?” I asked.
Her head lifted, and her eyes widened.
I saw it now. It was there in fragments. She loved me, but she couldn’t love me the way a normal mother could. But it was still there.
Her mouth opened, no sound came out, and she closed it again. Then she whispered, “Yes. I do.”
I sank down into one of the hotel’s plush chairs and leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. She sat next to me.
I stared forward as I said, “I’ve been so tense, waiting for you to talk to me all summer.” No, that wasn’t right. “Actually since the Christmas before when you came home. And you haven’t done a thing.”
“That’s not true, Samantha. I’ve done plenty, and you know it.” She reached over, touching my hand this time. She was tentative, but when I didn’t brush her off, her hand grew heavier. She took in a silent breath. “I’ve tried to let you go. What Mason said at the end of his speech tonight? He’s right. I haven’t let you go, and we both know it. You’ve felt it. Maybe that’s why you came to me tonight. I don’t know, but I’m grateful. I’ve had many nights with James, but I haven’t had a night with my daughter in a long time. Thank you for coming.”
“I came to ask you for a favor.”
“I know.” She patted my hand, squeezing it before letting go. “You want me to talk to James, have him help Mason as soon as he can.”
I nodded. I still couldn’t look at her, though. I didn’t know why.
“I’ll talk to him.”
“Thank you.” My tongue felt heavy on the back of my mouth.
“I’d like to say I always would’ve helped, but that’s not true.”
I looked now. The old Analise was there, but it was just in her face, her hair, the way she looked on the outside. Her eyes were new. That was the different person here. She even sat differently now.
“Before going to treatment, I would’ve used this favor against you. I would’ve agreed to ask James if you’d break up with Mason. That’s what I would’ve done, but that’s not what a true mother should ever do to her child.” Her hand reached out, but pulled back again. “You have been justifiably angry at me. I was gone for two years, and then I stayed away for the last year and a half. The truth is, I never should’ve come back. You were better off when I wasn’t here. James had someone watching you for me.”
What?
She hung her head in shame. “It wasn’t all the time, but every now and then. I just wanted to know what was going on in your life. You were happy. That’s what I saw, and then you changed when I came back. You were always looking over your shoulder in his pictures. I can’t help but think that was because of me. Like I was a shadow behind you.”
Exactly. Everything she said was how I felt.
“Then you guys came back, and the last two rounds of pictures he sent to me were all of you running. There were a few others from during the day, but you looked so harried. That was me, too. The thought of seeing me. I couldn’t bear seeing any more so I asked James to have him stop.”
“You were at the driveway that one day.”
“That was by accident. I went for a walk, and I didn’t walk past Malinda’s house with the intent of seeing you. She told me you’d been staying at Helen’s house with Mason. I usually walk the other way, but that day I didn’t. There you were, helping her load those gift baskets into her car.” She leaned forward, a reflection of me with both our elbows on our knees. “I was so jealous. Malinda’s been amazing. She’s protecting you by knowing what’s going on with me. I know a part of her feels for me—mother to mother, you know—but it’s really about you. She wants to be in the know about what I’m doing. Almost like keeping your friends close, but your enemies closer. But it doesn’t bother me. She’s doing it for you.” She paused a beat. “She’s the mother I should’ve been. She’s the mother you should’ve had.”
I should’ve reached for her. I should’ve had words of reassurance at the tip of my tongue.
I didn’t move.
“You don’t owe me anything, Samantha,” she added after a moment. “I used to think you did, but Mason’s words hit me hard tonight. You don’t. I’m letting you go. Officially. We’re going to move. James and I talked about it tonight. Mason brought up the house, so you guys can have it. I know Helen’s coming back at some point. She’ll want to see Mason and Logan and if it’s before they go back to Cain, I know you won’t want to be there when she does. James and I will be gone by the end of next week. You can move in then.”