His hands dropped from my legs, and he flinched, but he kept looking at me. He didn’t drop his gaze.
“That was our news to announce together, and you said you were going to ask again.” He had to know the truth.
His voice grew hoarse. “That’s what you want? You still want me to ask again?”
I nodded. “With the ring, and I want it to be romantic again.”
He watched me, studying, and I saw a lingering question lurking in his depths.
“You’ll be ready this time?”
Was I ready? I had to look down. My insides trembled.
“I’m scared.”
He looked back down to the water.
I saw how his shoulders went rigid, and just like that, I knew my fears were garbage. That’s all they were. Just excess trash I needed to expunge. I slid into the water, and Mason’s head lifted in surprise as I wrapped my legs around his waist. He was going to give me space. I knew it instinctively, and I didn’t want it right now. So I went to him before he could move away. I could feel him right between my legs, where he always belonged, and I wrapped my arm around his shoulder. He caught me, holding me in place, and I drew my fingers through his hair. Our faces were inches apart.
“You can’t lie about me? I can’t lie to you.” I brushed my lips over his. “I don’t know how it might happen, but I’m scared. I couldn’t handle losing you.”
“Sam,” Mason whispered, raising one of his hands to cup the side of my face. His thumb rubbed over my cheek. “You might’ve seen your mother at her worst, but you also watched David. He stayed. He held on because he loved you. She left him, but he never left her.”
“But he did. One time.”
Mason cursed again, his lips falling to my shoulder. He lightly nipped me there, tightening his hold around my back. “I’m sorry. I forgot the time she . . .”
Killed her babies.
He couldn’t say it. Neither could I.
I rested my head on his shoulder and hugged him. I didn’t know what the future would hold. I was sure there’d be challenges, but I was sure there’d be good times as well. There was a layer of strength and belief in us, but underneath it, I couldn’t deny there was a layer of fear.
I felt tears forming, and before they shed, I whispered, “Let’s get married now.”
“What?” He pulled back to gaze down at me.
Those tears fell. “Let’s do it now. Before—”
Before it was too late. Before we built walls around our hearts, because that was what my mother taught me to do.
I finally figured it out, and the realization spread through me at breakneck speed. I guarded myself. At first it was against her, but it’d be against Mason eventually. It was part of my DNA, a part of me. I wouldn’t know I was doing it until it was too late.
That couldn’t happen. I couldn’t safeguard myself against him.
My fingers gripped his skin. “Let’s go now. Let’s do it before we fuck up and something horrible happens.”
“Sam.”
He was going to say no. He was going to say everything would be all right. He was going to say all the right things, that we’d be fine, that we loved each other, that we’d never do what our parents did. Maybe he was right, but I still felt there would be a time when neither of us would realize what was happening. Something would put us on opposite sides of each other, and that would be the end.
“Please, Mason.”
He began threading his fingers through my hair, tucking my strands behind my ear. “Do you trust me?”
I nodded. I didn’t trust myself.
“If you trust me, believe me when I say that we’re going to be fine. I’ve never done anything to hurt you. You’ve never hurt me. We will be fine. I promise.”
My hand wrapped around his wrist where he cupped the side of my face. I clung to him, wanting to accept what he was saying, but my gut was saying otherwise. Something was going to happen. Something neither of us would foresee, and whatever it was—it was going to rip us apart.
I closed my eyes and rested my forehead to his shoulder.
“Sam.” He smoothed my hair down my back. “Everything will be all right. I promise.”
I trusted him. I was the problem.
All I murmured was, “Okay.”
“Okay?” He was smiling, searching my face, and his eyes darkened. His lips found mine, resting there softly. “It’ll be fine. I won’t let anything happen to you or me. I promise.”
Again, that word.
I was starting to hate that word, just like when Analise would promise me. She made all sorts of commitments. She failed on all of them.
But I nodded and breathed out. “Okay.”