“Hmmm…” Conella mused, circling the blushing bride-to-be. “Not bad. Oh, well, girls for comfort, boys for fun, I always say…”
“Always?” King Pooram squeaked.
“Well, whenever the subject comes up,” Conella replied. “Okay, just to check the merchandise before I decide to take the gig, the advance payment is a massage. Not worth it if the massage thing isn’t a go.”
“I can always bounce on your lap!” Princess Isabella said.
“About that,” King Pooram muttered.
Conella looked at her skirt, the princess, skirt, princess…
“Wiggle?” Princess Isabella said.
Head tilt.
“Wiggle quite slowly at first then with increasing…”
“Let’s just check out the massage, shall we?” Conella said.
#
“I’m not very good, am I?” Princess Isabella asked. “I can barely bulge these muscles.”
“I usually get my massages from this hulking Buhani who I swear is part orc,” Conella said. “He proudly tells a story about strangling a lion with his bare hands. His massages are the sort of pleasure one normally associates with dungeons and Iron Maidens. It’s a bit like having your muscles ripped away from your bones by hyenas.”
“That doesn’t sound like fun!” Isabella cried.
“Depends on your definition of fun,” Conella said. “So this sea serpent… Have you ever seen it in action?”
“Oh, yes,” Princess Isabella said, desperately trying to make some headway on the heroine’s rock-hard muscles. “I’m not supposed to watch but with Valeria I simply had to sneak out of the palace to see it!”
“Miss her, do you?”
“She used to put ants in my bed then tighten the sheets so I could not escape.”
“Older sister. Duh.”
“She once fed me a quart of castor oil, telling me it would reveal my soul.”
“She’s a sister. You trusted her?”
“When I was six, she taught me to sing a quite raunchy song then locked me in the guard’s barracks all night. It’s only the gods to thank that they weren’t the current crop of guards.”
“My aunt did that to me at about the same age,” Conella said. “Had a great time. I’m not sure the guards were ever the same, though.”
“Your aunt must be very naughty,” Isabella said, her eyes wide.
“She’s sort of an existential agent of chaos,” Conella said. “I think I’m more related to her than my mom. Not that mom’s sane by human standards.”
“And your father?” Isabella asked then gasped. “I’m sorry, if…”
“Yes, I know who my father is,” Conella said, chuckling. “I never got to know him very well, though. He was running around Anarchia writing wrongs and being the paladin most of my childhood. And we never really crossed paths a lot as adults. I’m not even sure he knew I was around before he died.”
“I’m very sorry,” Isabella said. “That is very sad.”
“It was a long time ago,” Conella said, sitting up. “So, tell me about this serpent. Something about the tongue.”
“It sticks out its tongue and just… slurps you in,” the girl said, cringing. “I’m really not looking forward to that.”
“Don’t worry,” Conella said. “I’ve faced a couple of serpents in my time. Anything else?”
“It… tastes its victims,” Isabella said, sniffling. “Sort of rolls them around in its mouth. Then…” she started to sob. “Crunch, slurp!”
“So, let’s see,” Conella said. “Oh, quit blubbering. Wraps you in its tongue, slurps you in, does a taste test then crunch, swallow.”
“Yes,” Isabella said.
“What about cutting the tongue?” the heroine asked.
“It seems most solid,” Isabella said. “One hero managed to hit it and the sword simply bounced off.”
“Might be able to do something about that,” Conella said, thoughtfully. “But there are other ways… Fortunately this is pretty much what I’d picked up and I came prepared. I don’t know how I missed the whole thing about princes. Details, details…”
#
CHAPTER THREE
It takes a real woman…
Conella waited at the appointed place and time, sword in one hand and a bucket in the other.
“Come on,” she muttered. “Time’s a wasting and I need a massage…”
Finally, she saw the water start to ripple as the sea serpent surfaced. She immediately lifted the bucket, dumped it over her head then tossed it out of sight. There was a faint tinkle as the glass liner broke.