“I have a little Beretta Bobcat. My grandson gave it to me for Christmas last year.”
They looked at me.
“What do you have, dear?” Esther asked me.
“Glock.”
“Get the heck out,” Grandma said. “When did you get a Glock? Can I see it?”
“I wouldn’t mind having a Glock,” Esther said. “Maybe I’ll get one next year.”
They leaned in and peeked into my purse at my gun.
“It’s a beauty,” Grandma said.
“I should mingle.” I looked around.
Grandma sat back. “There’s little bitty cupcakes in the dining room, and the liquor’s in the kitchen. I imagine that’s where you’ll find the widow. She was already three sheets to the wind at the service. Not that I blame her. A funeral is stressful, poor thing.”
“Poor thing, my behind,” Esther said. “She’s not upset. She’s celebrating. She was only staying with him for the house. Everybody knows that. Frank did some stepping out, if you know what I mean. There was Mitchell Menton’s wife, Cheryl. And Bitsy Durham. Her husband is on the city council. I’m sure there were others.”
“I guess Frank was having one of those midlife crises,” Grandma said.
“And I imagine there are advantages to having an affair with a jeweler,” Esther said.
I wandered into the kitchen, where Pat Korda was scarfing ham roll-ups and drinking something colorless.
“Vodka?” I asked her.
“Fuckin’ A,” she said.
I poured some into a tumbler. “Me, too.”
“Here’s to you,” Pat said. “Whoever the hell you are. Looks like someone beat the crap out of you.”
“Yeah, it’s been one of those weeks.”
Pat rolled her eyes and listed a little to the left. “Tell me about it.”
“Sorry about your husband.”
“Thanks. You want some ham? It goes good with vodka, but then, hell, everything goes good with vodka.”
“I noticed the little chest on your mantel. The one that looks like a pirate chest.”
“That’s Miss Kitty,” Pat said. “She was our cat. Frank used to keep her in the store, but I brought her back here when he croaked.”
“It’s an interesting chest. Is it one of a kind?”
“Frank got it at the pet crematorium.”
So if the Pink Panthers didn’t kill Frank Korda, and Joyce didn’t kill him … who killed him? Maybe his wife?
“Do you ever wear pink?” I asked her.
“No. I hate pink.” She took another slurp of vodka. “Frank was the pink guy. He had this whole pink thing. He used to tell his bimbos he was a Pink Panther. Hah! Can you imagine?”
“You knew about it?”
“Honey, wives know all kinds of shit. Frank had this whole routine. He got it from a Schwarzenegger movie. True Lies. Schwarzenegger was a spy, but his wife didn’t know. She thought he was, like, boring. She was all hot for this other guy who was pretending to be a spy. So the wife’s thinking of screwing the pretend spy, right? Anyway, Frank saw this movie and wigged out. He must have watched it a hundred times. Do you have a cigarette?”
“No. Sorry, I don’t smoke.”
“Nobody fucking smokes anymore. Just when I decide I need a cigarette, nobody smokes.”
“About the Pink Panther Schwarzenegger routine.”
Pat moved from the ham to the cheese. “Frank wasn’t the most exciting-looking guy. Short, bald, glasses, not a muscle anywhere in sight. But he discovered he could pretend to be a big-time jewel thief and get laid. Go figure.”
“How did you know all this? Did he tell you?”
“I knew he was messing around, so I hired a detective. He put it together for me.”
“But you didn’t divorce Frank?”
“I thought about it, but what was the point? I’m comfortable. I like my house. And I had someone to take the garbage out and shovel the snow. And the best part was I had some dumb slut taking care of Frank’s needs. I would have sent them all fruit baskets, but I didn’t want to give myself away.” She stared down into her empty glass. “Oh shit. Someone drank my vodka. Oh wait a minute, it was me!” And she did a sort of crazy-lady, semi-hysterical giggle.
“Do you have any idea who killed Frank?” I asked her.
“Probably one of his Pink Panther bimbos who found out the jewelry he gave her was fake. Personally, I’m not completely happy. I have to take my own garbage out now.”
I left Pat Korda and returned to Grandma.
“I’m going back to work,” I told her. “Do you need a ride home?”
“No, but thanks, I’m riding with Esther here. It’s a shame you missed the graveside ceremony. That’s the nicest cemetery. The deceased was laid to rest by a patch of woods. He must feel like he’s always camping out now. I swear it smelled like campfire.”