Explosive Eighteen(51)

“This isn’t a good idea,” Connie said. “Buggy isn’t a kitten. Buggy is a …”

“Dullard?” I suggested. “Slackard, village idiot, leach on society, clod, brute, oaf, dumb ox, not to mention purse snatcher and car thief?”

“You be careful what you say about my honey,” Lula said. “And makin’ him my bondee is a perfectly good idea. I got a right to adopt a felon. I’m gonna take care of him, too.”

“How are you going to post bond?” Vinnie asked. “Where are you going to come up with the money? What are you going to put up as collateral?”

“I got my Firebird,” Lula said.

We all gasped. Lula loved her Firebird.

“This is serious,” Connie said. “You need to take her to the clinic and get a blood test. Or maybe she just needs to go home and lay down for a while. She could be having some sort of reaction from all the sugar in the doughnuts.”

“I just got a big heart,” Lula said. “I got a heart of gold, and I recognize goodness in places it don’t seem to be. Like, you look at Lewis and you see apple-cider vinegar, and I see a big apple dumpling.”

“You never saw apple dumplings before,” Connie said.

“Well, I got my eyes open now,” Lula said. “Hallelujah. And on top of that, I’m takin’ love at first sight for a test-drive. I might have drinked a love potion.”

“I like it,” Vinnie said. “If Buggy goes AWOL, I get the Firebird. I could give it to DeAngelo, and he might not kill me.” Vinnie passed papers over to Lula. “Sign where I made a mark.”

Lula was on her feet. “I want to go with you when you get my sweet patooti released,” she said to Vinnie. “I want to take him home.”

“I need you to help me capture Joyce,” I said to Lula.

“No problem,” Lula said. “This won’t take long. Soon as I get my honeybee out of jail, I’ll help you with Joyce.”

I was gagging on the sweet-patooti, honeybee, adorable-apple-dumpling stuff, but I needed to get Joyce out of my apartment, and I needed the money from her capture.

“Excellent,” I said. “We’ll follow Vinnie to the police station, we’ll spring Buggy, take him home, and go get Joyce.”

“WHAM!” Lula said.

I stepped outside and waved at Slasher and Lancer. They were parked across the street again.

“You lied to me!” Lancer yelled. “You’re not going to heaven if you keep fibbing to people.”

Vinnie took off in his Cadillac, Lula and I followed, and Lancer and Slasher brought up the rear. Vinnie went straight, I turned right, and Lancer followed me. I drove two blocks, turned left, and zipped through a traffic light. Lancer wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. He ran the light and got T-boned by a Jeep. I pulled to the side to see if anyone was hurt.

“They all look okay,” Lula said, “but they don’t look happy.”





SEVENTEEN



I DROPPED LULA off at the municipal building and waited for her in the truck. I checked my mail on my phone and listened to some music. I was afraid to nap. With my luck, Raz would stumble on me. I’d been sitting there for almost an hour when Connie called.

“Your friends are back across the street,” she said. “And their car is all bashed in. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. They tried to run a light and got T-boned. Have a pizza delivered to them and put it on my tab.”

Minutes later, Lula, Vinnie and Buggy walked out of the building. Vinnie jumped into his Caddy and sped away. Lula and Buggy got into my truck. Lula took the front seat, and Buggy wedged himself into the small jump seat behind us.

“I don’t fit here,” he said. “I want to drive.”

“Here are your options,” I told him. “You can stay where you are, or you can walk.”

“I want to drive!”

“Isn’t he the cutest thing,” Lula said. “You should let him drive. He’s a real good driver.”

“How do you know?” I asked her.

“I could tell. And all the times he stole your car, he never wrecked it.”

“He’s not driving,” I said. “End of discussion.”

“I’ll hold my breath,” Buggy said.

I cranked the engine over and looked at him in the rearview mirror. “Fine by me. I don’t care if you turn blue and die.”

“I always pee my pants when I hold my breath,” Buggy said.

“That’s endearin’,” Lula said. “I bet Shrek pees his pants, too.”

I cut my eyes to Lula. “He’s going to have to get out and ride in the back.”