“I offered the second free plane ticket to Morelli,” I said, “but he couldn’t get away from work. He never gets away from work. So I went by myself. I got off the plane in Honolulu, and as I was walking through the terminal, I spotted Tootie Ruguzzi.”
“Get the heck out,” Lula said. “The Rug’s wife?”
“Yeah.”
“Those two disappeared off the face of the earth,” Grandma said. “We all thought they got planted.”
Simon Ruguzzi, better known as The Rug, is a local celebrity hit man. He’s part of the Colichio crime family, but he’s also been known to do freelance. Three years ago, he executed seven members of a Hispanic gang that was trying to muscle in on Colichio territory. Two other gang members witnessed the massacre but escaped and fingered The Rug. He was arrested and charged and somehow managed to get released on a ridiculously high bail bond. That was the last anyone ever saw The Rug or Tootie. Vinnie had written the bond, and Ranger and I have been looking for The Rug ever since.
“Was The Rug with her?” Lula asked.
“Not in the terminal. She was alone. I followed her outside and watched her get on a shuttle to a resort. I picked up my rental car and drove to the address on the side of the shuttle. It was one of those really expensive beachfront, view-of-Diamond-Head resorts that cater to special-events packages. I tried to get in, but it was married-couples-only retreat month. High-security, exclusive, strictly enforced privacy.”
“They weren’t even letting bounty hunters in?” Lula asked.
“My name wasn’t on the guest list. End of story.”
“How about if you were a guest?”
“I had to be married.”
“I’m getting a picture,” Lula said.
“It was more complicated than that,” I told her. “Even if I captured The Rug, I don’t have the authority to return him to Jersey. Vinnie and Ranger handle the high stakes bonds and extradition.”
“So you called Ranger,” Lula said.
“Yes. He caught the next flight, and we checked into the resort as Mr. and Mrs. Manoso.”
Lula fanned herself with her napkin. “Lordy, lordy.”
My mother had her hands over her ears. “I’m not listening.”
“I’m listening,” Grandma said. “This is getting good.”
Grandma had no idea how good. And I wasn’t going into details, but Ranger arranged for a beachfront cottage with total privacy for enjoying the spa au naturel and a king-sized bed for après spa.
“So the whole marriage thing was fake to get into the resort,” Lula said.
“Yep.”
“Did you get The Rug?”
“No, but he was there. They were in a cottage on the other side of the property. Unfortunately, they checked out and disappeared before we were able to make contact.”
Okay, truth is, we probably didn’t try as hard as we might have. The spa that went with our cottage was pretty darn fantastic, and I’m not sure Ranger was totally motivated to make an apprehension and leave the island.
Lula took seconds on the macaroni salad. “So why’d you keep saying things were complicated? And why all the secrecy?”
“We haven’t given up on capturing The Rug,” I said. “I don’t want it passed around that I spotted him in Hawaii, and I don’t want him spooked.”
Not to mention that Morelli had felt bad because I was vacationing alone and showed up as a surprise. Fortunately, I was fully clothed and not in the spa when he badged his way past the front desk and appeared on my doorstep. Unfortunately, Morelli’s temper kicked in the minute he saw Ranger, and Morelli coldcocked him with a fist in the face. The result of all this was the hospital drop-off and my early departure.
“I was hoping for a better story than that,” Lula said. “But I guess you could still be pregnant.”
“It’s not likely,” I told her.
“Yeah, but you never know. There could be a chance,” Lula said.
I cut my eyes to my mother to see if she was going to faint again. She had her hand wrapped around the almost-empty whiskey bottle, she was smiling, and her eyes were unfocused.
“She’s shit-faced,” Grandma said. “You should take the bottle away from her before she takes another header into the olive loaf.”
I pried the bottle out of my mother’s hand and returned it to the cupboard.
“Did you by any chance tell Morelli where I was staying in Hawaii?” I asked Grandma.
“Yeah, he called just before you came home. I guess he thought you were in a different hotel, so we told him about the new one. He said he was going to surprise you, and we figured you were spending the last couple days together.”