Explosive Eighteen(28)

Buggy lunged at me. His hands were bound behind his back, and his gait was awkward. He lunged at me a second time, but I jumped away. He stumbled, went down to the ground, and rolled onto his back. That’s where he stayed, kicking his feet, unable to right himself.

“He’s like a big giant turtle,” Lula said. “What are we gonna do with him?”

I didn’t know. We couldn’t lift him. I wasn’t even sure we could drag him. When we got near, he kicked out at us. His face was red and sweating, and veins were popped out in his forehead and corded on his neck.

“You need to calm yourself,” Lula said to Buggy. “You’re gonna give yourself a stroke. And you’re not a real attractive man to begin with, so you don’t want to make it worse with the whole bulging vein thing. It’s not a good look for you.”

He was rocking side to side and grunting. “Unh, unh, UNH!” And on the last UNH, he broke out of the Flexi-Cuffs, rolled to hands and knees, then stood beady-eyed, arms out, mouth open. Killer grizzly.

“YOW!” Lula said. “Every man for himself.”

She ran for the Buick, and I ran for the RAV4. I jumped in, pulled the door closed, and took off with Lula following.

I drove to my parents’ house, parked at the curb, and sat for a couple beats, getting it together. Lula rapped on the driver’s side window, and I got out.

“You see, that’s what I’m talking about,” Lula said. “You got a juju issue. That wasn’t a wonderful experience. You ever see anyone break out of those plastic handcuffs before? I don’t think so.”





ELEVEN



GRANDMA WAS AT the front door, waving at us. “You’re just in time for lunch,” she said.

Lula’s face brightened. “Lunch! That’s what I need after my traumatic experience.”

Grandma led the way to the kitchen. “What happened?”

“We almost got torn limb from limb by a idiot,” Lula said. “Only we avoided it and came here.”

My mother was putting food on the kitchen table, trying not to rant over the thought of me getting my limbs torn off.

“Ham, olive loaf, Swiss cheese, some macaroni salad,” she said. “Help yourself.”

I sat down and Grandma gave me a small glass bottle.

“Annie dropped this off for you this morning. She said you should drink it next time you see your true love, and it’ll take care of your indigestion.”

Lula looked across at me. “Does this mean you decided on your true love? Not that I especially care, but I was wondering for the sake of conversation if it has something to do with the ring that used to be on your finger.”

My mother and grandmother stopped eating and leaned forward a little, waiting for my answer.

“Oh, for goodness’ sakes,” I said. “Why is everyone making such a big deal about this stupid tan line? It’s just a tan line!”

“Yeah,” Lula said, “but you’ve been real secret about it, and all this talk about true love and indigestion has me putting it together, and I finally got it figured out. You’re preggers!”

My mother clapped a hand over her mouth, made a strangled sound, and went facedown into the olive loaf. For a brief moment, I thought she’d had a heart attack, and I was responsible.

“She just fainted,” Grandma said. “She used to faint all the time when she was a little girl. A real drama queen.”

We stretched my mom out on the floor, and Grandma got a wet towel. My mom finally opened her eyes and looked up at me. “Who? What?”

“I’m not pregnant,” I said.

“Are you sure?”

I had to think about it for a minute. “Pretty sure.” I’d be more sure in a week.

We sat my mom back in her chair, I got the whiskey from the cupboard, and we all chugged some.

“I can’t take it anymore,” Lula said to me. “I want to know about the ring. I want to know who you married. What the heck happened in Hawaii anyhow?”

“Yeah,” Grandma said. “I want to know, too.”

“Ditto,” my mom said, taking another hit from the whiskey bottle.

I’d been avoiding this. There were parts to my vacation that were spectacular, but there were also parts I’d just as soon forget … like the ending. Not only didn’t I want to talk about it, I had no idea what to say. It was all too awkward. Unfortunately, I owed Lula and my family an explanation. I just wouldn’t tell them all of it.

“It was nothing. It was business. I’ll tell you what happened, but you have to swear not to repeat it.”

Everyone made the sign of the cross, drew zippers across their mouths, and threw the keys away.