She nodded and put her arms around my waist, pressing against me. “I understand. And I don’t mean to be inconsiderate and shit. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up. And I don’t want you to get hurt. I will kill the next person who hurts you, I swear.”
“I know you will, baby,” I said, pulling her even closer and laying a hard kiss on the top of her head. “That’s one of the many, crazy reasons why I love you.”
It was hard to break the connection and warmth our lips were giving each other – something about the last few days made me feel like I was falling, tumbling, in love with her all over again.
She smiled up at me, sweet as sugar, and said, “You have my support, no matter what. If you want to go find him, then we’ll try and find him.” A devious glint came across her eyes. “Just don’t forget I have ninja moves.”
I held on to her hand and together we walked down the street, heading to the nearest subway station.
“Hey,” I said, “how did it go with your mom? I saw you guys hugging but wasn’t too sure what that was about.”
“You couldn’t hear the thoughts I was sending?” she asked rather innocently.
I shook my head.
She grinned, pleased with herself. Then the ends of her smile quirked down. After a pause she said, “I just told my mom the truth. About why she was seeing things. How I found her pills.”
“Was she mad?”
“Yeah. She was. But, more hurt I think.” Her eyes darted to me sheepishly. “Anyway, she understood. She said she was glad I did it. That it got her to see what she’d been missing. Obviously none of what she’s been seeing has been very pretty. I don’t know if she can see everything we can. I mean, she can see major things. Everything that happened in the house, she knows it. But she hasn’t been visited by any ghosts.”
“Well that’s good.”
“Yeah,” she said, swinging our arms in the air for a few steps. “It’s good. I just hope it doesn’t get worse, you know? I don’t wish our…problem on anyone. I know my mom has kind of been horrible these last few years but she’s still my mom.”
I nodded. Oh, I knew how that went. No matter how badly they treat you, no matter how much you fear them, they are still your mom. You love them despite all that. You hurt despite all that. It really fucking sucks.
“So,” she continued, trying to keep her voice light. I could tell she was close to crying. I didn’t mind if she did, she had a lot to let out. We both did. She cleared her throat. “I am really sorry I switched the pills, but I don’t regret it. Does that make sense?” When I told her it did, she said, “For you too. It made you move in a certain direction, made us move in a certain direction.”
“It brought us together,” I told her matter-of-factly.
“And I think it will do the same for my mom and me. She’s already different around me, you know? I think…I think maybe she’ll finally really get to be my mom. I’ll feel like I have a mother that loves me. Not to say she didn’t before, but you know how different it is when you feel it.”
I did. And I only knew it for a brief moment, in that last dream my own mother was in. But it was enough.
After that we walked like any couple in New York, stopping for hot dogs and complaining about the heat and stink while taking in the sights. Okay, maybe we were like any tourist couple in New York but that was fine with me. Seattle was my home now – our home – and I was content to see this city briefly before saying goodbye. I couldn’t say I ever wanted to return. My memories here only worsened. It wasn’t just the place where my life went to shit…it’s where my new life went to shit as well.
But we were going to come out of it, like a fucking Phoenix out of the ashes. Or at least like Phoenix in X-Men. She was hot as fuck and a badass motherfucker.
We didn’t even make it as far as city hall, though. We stopped into a trendy coffee shop for yet another hit of espresso – both of us had trouble keeping our eyes open, I guess after being so close to death we wanted our hearts to beat into oblivion – and Perry sat down at one of the iPads they had at their tables.
It only took her about five minutes of searching the net while I was in the bathroom taking a leak for her to locate my father.
When I got back to the table, she was wriggling in her seat like a puppy, like she was about to lead me to a boy trapped in a well.
“What is it, Lassie?” I asked.
“I found him,” she said excitedly.
I don’t know what expression came on my face. Probably fear.