are sometimes attached to the heart. Even male genitals.”
The last observation often got a laugh at conferences, although never from
Bill’s group.
“But there’s more to gay life than sex,” said Bill with a nervous smile. “Just
because our guest is a psychiatrist doesn’t mean he can’t talk about other top-
ics.” Bill disliked all talk about sex, especially promiscuity, which he consid-
ered the shame of gay life. He was an ex-monk. “Kimberly? You had your
hand raised?”
“You and your, uh, spouse equivalent,” began a pretty girl with braces.
“When did you come out to your families?”
“Later than we should have. More of you are probably out to your parents
than people in my generation were at your age. You’re braver than we were.”
Which wasn’t entirely true, but it didn’t hurt to compliment them. Zack
spoke for the next ten minutes about coming out, which was easier to discuss
than sex. In fact, it was usually the first question at these sessions. The kids,
too, preferred family, forgiveness, honesty, and other moral issues to the icky
stuff.
Should he have told Daniel about his conversation with Elena? Probably.
It felt too late now. He kept forgetting and remembering his secret, but telling
Daniel now, several days later, would make his talk with Elena seem more im-
portant than it was. A confession might make Daniel think that Sunday had
been all Elena’s doing and Abbas hadn’t really fallen out of love. Now that the
sleeping dogs had stopped fucking, why wake them up again?
A boy raised his hand. “Do you have children, and if not, did you ever con-
sider it and do you miss not having any?”
2 2 0
C h r i s t o p h e r B r a m
Questions about babies ran a close third to questions about coming out
and marriage.
“No, we don’t have kids. But it was never an option until recently. We
didn’t know if love between two men was possible, much less raising children.
So we never considered it. Now that all kinds of gay people have kids, either
by adoption or other means, we’re too old to try. But as a psychiatrist, I see
again and again just how difficult being a parent is. It’s not for everyone. So I
can’t say I miss it. And I like the life I have. I can’t imagine any other.”
Another girl raised her hand. “To what do you owe your long and happy
marriage?” She spoke with a giggliness that made the question, which was
probably sincere, sound smarmy and false.
“Luck,” said Zack uncomfortably. “Pure luck.”
“And you really love each other,” said Bill. “His partner, for those of you
who don’t know, is Mr. Wexler in Fine Arts.”
“But all couples love each other,” said Zack. “At one time or another. Even
couples who break up often still love each other.” That was for the boy whose
parents may be divorced. “Love is only the beginning. It’s what follows that
counts. What you do with it. How you handle it.”
“What would you say is the next most important trait in a long-term rela-
tionship?” asked Bill. “Honesty?”
Bill didn’t have a clue, did he? No wonder he was single.
“Honesty is good,” said Zack. “One should try to be honest. But more im-
portant than honesty is trust. Since complete honesty is not always attainable
or even desirable.”
He looked around the circle of faces: sweet, doughy, unbaked faces sprin-
kled with pimples and doubt.
“You have to trust yourself and the other person,” he explained. “There are
no guarantees here. The world is an unreal place. You want someone with you
to make it feel less unreal. You want to keep them there, and you think you can
do it with a few magic words, a marriage contract, a wedding. But it doesn’t
work that way. Love is always difficult. With or without lawyers. With or with-
out psychiatrists. There are a hundred trade-offs. A thousand possible mistakes.
You’re going to make lots of mistakes. And you won’t always know which are
the mistakes and which are the right things you did, until years later.”
E x i l e s i n A m e r i c a
2 2 1
He looked around the room again, at the amused, petulant, confused, or
skeptical faces. He took a deep breath and smiled.
“Sorry. That’s not what you want to hear tonight. That’s for the advanced
course, for who you’ll be ten years from now. Tonight I should say just: Be pa-
tient. With yourselves, your family, your friends, your boyfriends and girl-
friends. Take a few chances. Risk making a fool of yourself. Give yourself
time. Because most things eventually work out for the best. If you let them. If